Stream of Consciousness

Family

2011-02-02T12:14:00.000-05:00

During my time at Mizzou, I was fortunate enough to have a job working at the campus copy store. I reported to an openly gay woman who lived with her partner. I say "partner" because, in Missouri law, same-sex couples are still discriminated against. They are not permitted to marry. My boss had, at one time, been married to a man with whom she had a daughter. After divorcing her husband, she later permitted herself to be the person she knew she was, and came out. I was not raised to discriminate against anyone. But admittedly, prior to knowing her, I had my share of questions as to whether a gay couple could successfully raise children--without their sexuality somehow negatively impacting them. (I think, in part, because this was during a time where I was questioning the Catholic church and how does a priest counsel anyone on sex or marriage and family? Seriously.) But, after getting to know her and her daughter, all of my doubts evaporated. They were a completely normal family with a daughter doing very well in school. My boss' partner was more involved in the life of the child than the child's own father. A story I personally know all too well. Who is to say a child doesn't deserve two parents within the home? Who is to say the gender of the child's parents matters at all? Does anyone actually believe that gay parents are any more openly sexual in front of their children than straight parents? They're not. What matters to a child is love, safety, structure and nurturing. No independent longitudinal study done--to measure the success of children of gay couples versus those of straight couples--deems any major differences between the two.

I am so tremendously grateful to have had that experience before my youngest sister came out to me. Someone's sexual orientation never mattered to me in how I viewed a person. So, when she told me she was gay, I could have cared less. I was just happy she knew she could be out with me and be comfortable. My only concerns were with her ability to have the kind of family I knew she'd want some day. Now that we are at the age where children and family are a part of our shorter-term plans (as opposed to longer-term plans), I hate that there are still places, like Iowa, like North Carolina (where she lives) -- where she is still discriminated against in law.

She has served our country with the United States Navy. She has been to war, twice, in Iraq. She currently serves as federal law enforcement. She is educated. And she is in love...with a woman. Both our family, and her beloved's family are genuine, kind, loving and closely-knit. We're the kinds of families people wish they had. And yet, the law keeps us apart. Why? Because there are too many X-chromosomes in the equation? The nation proclaims a separation of church and state. But, we all know this debate (which really shouldn't be a debate at all) is a religiously-waged one.

I want to share with you this video I came across, today. I teared up. We need more people like this young man, to speak out against upholding discrimination within the law, to protect the comfort of right-winged bigots who fear anything different than themselves or their own lifestyles.

BZ's Docs: Pressure Cooker

2011-01-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

Loved, loved, loved this movie! A documentary about Philadelphia Public Schools students (and teacher) in a vocational high school, participating in the culinary arts pathway--and their journey to compete for scholarship money they desperately need in order to pursue post-secondary education and fulfill their dreams of success.

Touching, endearing, humorous and real--this movie will make you laugh, and tear up, and laugh with tears in your eyes. I didn't need a movie to validate the work I do every day in the experiential setting with high school students (many of whom attend Boston's only vocational-technical high school). But, I cannot speak enough about how it resonated with me and the relationships I build with my students. Some kids think I may be mean. But, they also know I'm a resource, as are the individuals with whom I connect them. They know they can count on me to push them to be better. I may not use all of the language that this particular teacher uses with her students. But, I certainly believe that students will rise to the occasion when you impose high expectations upon them, and then meet them where they're at in order to journey with them as they fly. (A philosophy that seems to escape most inner-city public school staff. But, I digress.)

You need to see it. And, not only do you need to see it; you need to do something about it. If it is one thing I cannot stand: those who complain or discuss something, without acting upon it.

Check out TakePart.com to find out what you can do to help North Philly's vocational schoolchildren. One of the biggest challenges facing poor high school students is the cost of post-secondary education. There are many scholarships available for first-year enrolling freshmen in college. Unfortunately, many of those scholarships are one-time, non-renewable awards. It is a big contributing factor to universities' startling attrition rates of minority children. Contribute to renewable scholarships!

"Education is more than a luxury; it is a responsibility that society owes to itself." ~Robin Cook

Sometimes, They Listen

2011-01-27T22:33:00.003-05:00

I forwarded the picture, below, to the local news station. As many may know, I have elected to drive to work (rather than take public transportation) because the particular train I must take is egregiously unreliable. I live four miles from my office. And, to drive it takes approximately 30 minutes in traffic. However, via public transportation, it can take upwards of 2 hours. So, I drive.

Well, due to the monstrous amounts of snow we've been getting (and, in particular, the amount we were forcasted to receive last night), I left my car in the office garage--so as not to have to shovel it out, this morning. I took the T to work, today. The commute took me about an hour and a half. The 9:40 bus never showed. The 10:17 was late. After arriving by bus to the train station, of course, I had to wait and wait and wait for the damn line I needed to take to get to my office in a town I also loathe beyond measure. Well, upon arrival, the doors to the train opened. and, the snow had not been shoveled off the platform. It was up to the entrance of the train. And, it was 11:30 am and the snow stopped, somewhere between 6:00 and 7:00 am. What the hell?

So, I sent the following picture to WHDH.

I've sent stuff there, before (never to any acknowledgement). However, I received the following email in reply, which contained a response from an MBTA representative! Of course, it didn't fix the fact that everyone exiting the train had to dive into the snow, fee-first. (Glad I bought those Sorel Caribou boots!) But, it was nice to have someone actually close the loop and garner a response on my behalf as a pissed-off citizen.

"Hi,

Just wanted to let you know we checked in with the MBTA about it. Below is their spokesperson's response:

"Crews fell a little behind with Green Line platforms due to some problems in the rail yards with switches that were getting iced up with this very heavy wet snow. We had no choice but to divert our crews into the yards to handle these issues so that subway operations could get the trains out of the yards (and into service!). As soon as that work was completed, work crews attacked the platforms and they are all cleared and in good shape now."

Thanks for contacting us and watching 7News!"

Thank you to 7News for getting back with me.  I <3 follow-through!

Keeping It Honest

2011-01-27T22:10:00.002-05:00

Yeah yeah. Been a little while.

So, I recently came across this article in the Huffington Post about Anderson Cooper calling out Michele Bachmann on her bullsh*t. If you scroll to the bottom, you can watch the video of Cooper's broadcast, replete with soundbites of Bachmann's delusional monologue describing a virtual Utopia where foreigners and natives all somehow magically came together to hold hands and sing Kumbaya. She thinks it's the United States.

It is exactly this type of rhetoric that scares the bejeezus out of me. It is this very same refusal--to acknowledge the less pleasant (read: downright horrific) historical events of our country and society--that contributes to the status quo, the marginalization of the disenfranchised, the achievement gaps and disparities in health. Why? Because, somehow, masses and the media are giving these right-wing Republitard Tea Party extremists a platform to spew their outright lies. There are people (who are so far removed from reality) who believe that everyone, today, right now, everywhere, is receiving a fair shake at opportunity. And, that couldn't be further from the truth.

It is these same nonsensical thinkers who believe abortion should be outlawed. And yet, they wish to minimize government and scale back their contributions (taxes) to existing systems established to serve the unwanted children they're trying to force women to birth. They campaign against abortion. They don't want to pay the money for services the unwanted child requires. And, oddly enough, they want to somehow ramp up the death penalty, which actually costs more money to implement than does housing inmates in general population.They cut spending to things like federally funded mental health services. And yet, mental health issues are often the foundational circumstances prompting crimes like drug abuse, which leads to crimes like theft and prostitution.

If you remove the capacity of a state to care for its mentally ill, you impose a greater cost to the state and its taxpayers by forcing funds toward correctional facilities (which are, arguably, the largest mental health providers in the nation). And, when people of color earn less on the dollar, for the same job, than their white counterparts, they are less financially equipped to manage the cost of care for themselves, thereby positioning themselves to fall prey to a judicial system already disproportionately prosecuting people of color to the fullest extent of the law. The National Institute of Drug Abuse estimates that while 12% of the drug users in the U.S. are African American, they make up nearly 50% of drug possession arrests. (The Black and White of Justice, Freedom Magazine, Volume 128) In addition, the same study found that 60% of all cases involved found drug values of less than fifty dollars.

And when convicted individuals are spending more time in jail for similar crimes, they are not contributing to household costs. Additionally, blacks are far less likely to earn a living wage upon release from prison than whites. This only recycles poverty for the next generation. Poor communities have underresourced schools. Underresourced schools (in districts where parents must work more time to make a livable wage) do not equip children to be critical thinkers who can apply the skills they learn (for tests) to the real world. And when their parents are working three jobs to pay bills, they do not receive the same kinds of supports at home to supplement and reinforce their lessons that privileged children do. And here come the Tea Party folks who just filed to re-segregate schools, like those in Wake County, NC (read: Raleigh). It is this same thinking that removes the onus of responsibility from those of us upon whom privilege was conferred, and places it solely upon those born into circumstances the privileged cannot inconvenience themselves enough to understand.

These right-wing "Christians" who claim "what's mine is mine," need to take a better look at Acts 11 and what God had truly intended for His church.

"Through our scientific and technological genius, we have made of this world a neighborhood and yet . . . we have not had the ethical commitment to make of it a brotherhood." ~ Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in Remaining Awake for the Great Revolution

Recuperating from Surgery

2010-12-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

On Thursday, I had surgery to excise several large, abnormal ovarian cystadenomas on both the left and right sides. I would like to thank Dr. Linda Yang and the rest of her gyn surgery team at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center (BI) in Boston.

Aside:
Admittedly, I was a little nervous heading into the procedure. Dr. Yang's office is a busy one. And, neither she nor her admin are particularly responsive (at least not in the way I am accustomed through the service we provide at the hospital for which I work). Her office also prescribed a medication, in advance of the original surgery date, that had been off the market for a couple of months. We call that a medication error, which is a huge safety issue. BI's ED residents have also, on two separate occasions, written out incorrect dosing protocols on other medications for me (ex. twice the recommended steroid limit for a dose pack I needed for a back issue in 2007, and three times the recommended codeine limit for a case of bronchitis I had in 2009). While I longed for a good night's sleep uninterrupted by coughing, I actually wanted to wake up from it. Thankfully, CVS pharmacists were vigilant enough to catch the errors on both occasions. When ill, or suffering from a broken piece of vertebra pinching a nerve in my spinal column, it is a horribly inconvenient thing to have to make extra trips to the pharmacy (or find someone else, mobile enough) to procure everything I need to heal. Because, of course, the pharmacists can't just change out the dosing they dispense, they have to contact the prescribing physician to authorize the change. And, when dealing with a hospital whose physicians aren't exactly responsive, it's a time consuming process -- only prolonging pain and recovery.

But, I digress.
Instructions dictated an arrival at the hospital two hours in advance of surgery. Why? I'm not quite sure, considering they did not call me up until approximately 30 minutes prior. BI also has no real waiting room or lounge. So, feeling ill and dehydrated from the preparation process, I was forced to sit in a chair (nowhere to lay down) surrounded by a whole bunch of very loud people.

After being called up, a kind clinic assistant escorted me to the pre-op room where a very friendly group of nursing staff guided me to change out of my clothes and check all my vitals. Each nurse was excellent at describing exactly what she was going to do and what I would feel. The anesthesia nurse said, "I'm going to start bartending for you now. You're going to feel pretty relaxed..." And, I liked her immediately! :-)

I remember going into the operating room and seeing the bright lights. I remember people talking to me, hooking me up to the machines with all the sticky things (some of which they forgot to remove, post-op, lol). I remember them putting the oxygen mask on me. And that was it. I do not remember intubation or catheterization, nor the removal of either.

When I awoke, my throat was dry and sore, but that was ok. I still had on the oxygen mask. The IV was still in my arm. I remember asking immediately if I still had both my ovaries, which I did. I then asked if they were able to remove everything laparoscopically, which they had. I was relieved. The surgery took longer than they anticipated (by about an hour and a half) for a total of 4.5 hours on the table. And, I guess my mom (in Florida) got nervous when she didn't hear from me around the time she thought she would. So, she somehow found the number of the hospital and where I was. One of the clinic assistants told me she called and actually dialed my mom up for me so that I could talk to her briefly in the post-op room.

I'm tremendously grateful for the quality of the procedure and the fact that everything went well. With as terrible as I felt going into surgery, as a result of the pre-op prep, I felt better coming out of it. At the same time, there are two things I'd address for Dr. Yang for future reference:

A) She did not even come to see me in the PACU (recovery room) after surgery to check in on me or discuss the procedure or outcome or why it took longer than anticipated. Any questions I had were answered (and more often deferred) by the nurses in the PACU, who were not involved in the procedure.

B) She originally asked me (in pre-op) whom I wanted her to call, after surgery, to let them know how everything went. I told her I would like her to call my mom. And, I gave her my mom's phone number. And yet, she didn't call. (When the clinic assistant connected me with my mom, she was crying because she was worried.)

Granted, if the surgery took an hour and a half longer than she planned, and she had another surgery scheduled afterward, she may have been rushing and not had the time. At the same time, I would think one anticipates these things in the scheduling of these procedures? Allowing someone to put you under and cut into you requires a great deal of trust and confidence. There's something to be said for a gesture of appreciation for that trust/confidence, such as a visit to the patient post-op.

I'm sure I'll get a Press-Ganey survey (an independent evaluation company most elite hospitals use to assess their performance via surveys they send to patients). I'll provide my feedback, there. If you ever receive one in the mail after a visit to your physician, I encourage you to complete it honestly and constructively. At least at the hospital where I work, we take the feedback very seriously. (Which is a large part of how we've become the best at what we do and are consistently ranked in the top 5 in the world.)

Again, the technical nature of everything went very, very well. And, I'm grateful for the love and care of family and friends as I work to recover (and try to take it as easy as my mind will allow). Working at a hospital forces me to look through a critical lens at the type of care I receive elsewhere. If anyone has worked as wait staff at a particular restaurant, I'm sure they can relate when they go to a restaurant and have a tendency to be a little picky.

That is all, folks!

News From the Other Side

2010-12-16T22:59:00.001-05:00

What's the word, good people?!

I am home from surgery. Overall, everything went really well! Surgery took a little longer than they anticipated (about 4.5 hours) BUT, they were able to remove everything via laparoscopy. YAY! Annnnnd....wait for it.... I still have both my ovaries! Yeah boy!

TMI Alert. If you're queezy or are not amenable to discussions about unpleasant physiological processes, then read no further. However, if you are going to have surgery in the abdominal area and require bowel prep the day before, read on.

So, the last solid food I had was on Tuesday night. It's Thursday night. Yesterday, the instructions called for clear liquids only (apple juice, ginger ale, etc.). And, I had to consume FOUR f*cking litres of this PEG bowel prep solution. 8 oz every 10 minutes until that ish was gone. Unfortunately, that's a really fast pace. And, at one point, my body rejected some of it and I puked. After that, things were fine. But, my advice for any female that has to go through that:

1) Stock your bathroom with extra TP, baby wipes, hand soap and air freshener spray. You will have to use the toilet like 30 times (and I'm not even exaggerating).

2) Don't bother trying to eat too lightly the day or two before bowel prep day. It does't matter. And, I think I actually did my body a disservice by trying to eat light (afraid of toilet time), because I don't think I took in enough calories, which only hurt me down the road. I became dehydrated. My blood sugar was low. I had nausea and the shakes and THE WORST headache. Which brings me to...

3) If you drink caffeine regularly, make sure you get enough in the day before bowel prep and try to get as much in the morning before you start bowel prep. Give yourself a couple hours for it to seep in. I had no caffeine, which (in addition to the low sugar) only made the headache that much worse.

4) Trying to drink 4 liters of (what tastes like) salty water, at 8 oz every 10 minutes, is a nightmare. It is AWEFUL. It is also very difficult to try to consume anything else. But you must. Make sure you have G.atorade, ginger ale and/or apple juice on hand. Not the low sugar kinds. Remember, you are getting rid of all the nutrients in your system. So, more importantly than during the consumption of the flush solution, make sure you drink enough of those things AFTER. You're going to be afraid of having to go to the toilet even more. But, trust me, if I could do it over again, I'd have taken in way more fluids.

5) Bring with you to the hospital (and have whomever is waiting for you, or picking you up hold onto) pads, as you'll bleed a bit and, well, hospital pads are ridiculous. Have hard candies and G.atorade on-hand. Your throat will be sore from being intubated and breathing in the oxygen through your mouth for the number of hours you're on the table. It will also be SUPER DRY! You won't need cough drops (the menthol stuff in those will sting like a b*tch). L.ifeSavers did the trick for me. And you'll again be super dry. So, something to drink that will hydrate you.

6) I was surprised at how good I felt after surgery (actually better than when I went in). My abdomen just felt like I did about 2,000 crunches and the small incisions just sting a bit. You may feel like you won't need to fill your scripts. Fill them, anyway, as you may need them after all the IV meds wear off (and you'll be home by then). I was actually ready to get up and pee a bout 20 minutes after waking up in recovery. The PACU nurse said, "Are you sure you think you can walk?" I said, "My grandmother had her hysterectomy, here, at the age of 82. I work next door, so I came by to see her after the surgery. She asked me to walk around the floor with her! If she can do that, then I can get off my a$$ and take a whiz." :-) I knew I was ok when my usual smart-a$$ irritability kicked in when this lady started coughing (without covering her mouth) next to me. I'm like, we're in a f*cking hospital, B! Cover your mouth! Jeez! Nasty heifer.

Anyway, I'm at my aunt's for a couple of days. I live alone and I'm on some mega narcotics. So, she's going to look after me for a couple of days. Then I'll be able to go home and take it easy for a couple of weeks before heading back to work. (Surprisingly, I miss it already.)

Love is love, people! Choose joy!

Tomorrow's The Big Day

2010-12-15T21:55:00.000-05:00

So, I head in for surgery, tomorrow. I'm looking forward to getting it over with. Last night was the last time I ate. Today and tomorrow, it's only clear liquids and an unruly process. I never quite realized how many food commercials there are on television, until I wasn't allowed to eat! Sad to say, but I am so craving some F.ive G.uys right now! V already asked me to make her a list of the things I want and she'll bring some to me. My girls are the best!

I'm blessed to have so many folks checking in and wishing me well. It still amazes and humbles me how many great people I have in my life. Thanks be to God!!

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't just a little nervous. But, I know everything will be fine. My aunt has been awesome. She'll be taking care of me for a few days post-op. Good drugs and pampering...what more could I ask for? LOL

I'm going to turn in early because I'm super hungry and sleeping will ease that some. I'm sure I'll be back on here in no time, since I'll be stuck in bed for a while!

Choose joy.

I heard this song...

2010-12-13T19:26:00.001-05:00

...and had a moment. LOL I'm sure it, in part, had to do with the text conversation I was having while it came on. Enjoy, ladies.

Movie Recommendtion: Mammoth

2010-12-12T23:24:00.000-05:00

It's no secret that I *heart* Gael Garcia Bernal. From Motorcycle Diaries to Amores Perros, I dig him. It's also no secret that I'm a fan of obscure, indie films the largest audiences for which are probably found at Sundance or Cannes, but never make it to a major commercial release. I have a tendency to watch previews on DVD rentals and then add the interesting ones to my queue. I have done very well, in that I've had the chance to catch some really great movies this way.

Below is a trailer for Mammoth. A movie about the interconnections of people in places near and far. While existences may appear to be mutually exclusive of one another, they rarely are. In an artful way, it depicts how closely related our circumstances can be, despite how different they may appear on the surface. Well structured. Moving.

My New Song

2010-12-12T16:35:00.003-05:00

Considering I have a Spanish hand-me-down name (my grandmother's) from the side of my family that comes from Spain by way of Cuba...I'm thinking maybe we met in a former life? I do feel good on the lips. #justsayin LOL My new jam.

Recovering

2010-12-12T15:10:00.001-05:00

Can I just say that it was wholeheartedly disturbing to see children at a casino, last night? I'm not talking daytime play activities. It was midnight and parents had their 10-year-olds at the casino with them. That was my WTF of the day.

A total blast with Bougie for her b-day, in CT. We checked into the nearby hotel, changed clothes and got ready to party. We decided to have a drink at the hotel bar while we waited for a taxi. The bartender was kind enough to call one for us. It came so fast, he gave us our drinks in those to-go coffee cups with the lids on them, and poured some extra shots in there for good measure. Can we say "great tip"?

The taxi driver was so funny and friendly. We actually got his phone number so we could call him when we wanted to leave the casino and head back to the hotel. When we arrived, the first order of business was dinner. Great food, more drinks and ESPN on the tv in front of us. Saw that C.am N.ewton won the Heisman (womp womp) and over 105 ballots were turned in without him even in the top 3. Also saw that Texas defensive coordinator, Muschamp, was named head coach of Gator nation. Go figure. No wonder the SEC is so competitive -- they promote the talent from the Big XII. :-)

Anyhoo, after dinner, we gambled a few bucks on some slot machines. We hit a bar for some drinks and a really great DJ. Had to fend of some drunk dude who accosted us in line. Ew. Do you know how much walking is involved in going to casinos? And we had on hooker boots, too! (Mine were these purple suede joints. Fire.) By the time 1:30 rolled around, we were exhausted! Man, we're getting old. We called our taxi driver friend and hopped in for a ride back to the hotel and a great night's sleep. We laughed so hard on both trips, I think we entertained him pretty well. He told us to call him if we were ever in the area and needed a taxi again.

Bougie's quotables from the trip:

"Do you think it's illegal to pass an ambulance on the highway if its lights are flashing?"

"Um, where did my bra go?" (Me: I have no clue. You had it on when you came home.) "Yeah, I always try to make it home with my bra on."

"Oh look! Here's my brush...inside my shirt. You realize I was in the bathroom using a comb..ON MY WIG!!!"

Notable moments:

Female friend of hotel bartender: DRUNK. White girl with sewn-in tracks. Told Bougie, "These aren't bad, no? Go ahead, touch them." And she did.

Going to the restroom at the bar. Empty hallway. Good song. Breaking out with the running man. Hot guy exits bathroom. BUSTED!

Being so lit, I offered the couple next to us at the restaurant (strangers) some of my hushpuppies. The guy gave me some of his steamers.

Bougie saving her to-go coffee cup and pouring every drink we got at every bar (restaurant, casino bar, and club bar) into it.

Big fun!!!

Oh Look...

2010-12-10T20:59:00.001-05:00

They made a movie about my experiences. I swear LT came to mind immediately, with this. LOL

Yeah, Yeah. We'll see.

2010-12-10T20:49:00.000-05:00

So, I bought this snazzy new laptop and am giving it a whirl. I've been pulling in more freelance stuff, which is what prompted the purchase. I make no promises as to whether I will manage to keep up with this site, again. But, I'm thinking about it. I had made it private for a while because, well, there were some cats with stalker-ish tendencies. (You know the passive-aggressive ones who read the blog without telling you, but somehow bring up in conversation information they'd only know had they read it? Yeah, them.) And, then there's always a dude who somehow manges to get with some crazy stalker heifer--who doesn't know how to stay in her lane and learn that A & B has nothing to do with C. What's a girl to do?

ANYHOO, I'm here for now. Life is good. No complaints. Work is amazing and taxing and rewarding all at the same time. I'm thinking about creating a separate fitness blog. I will linkify if that materializes.

It is cold as f*ck outside. I love my city. But, damn, it is COLD!

The man scene is fun at the moment. Enjoying dating and meeting new guys. It's amazing what you can learn from bad experiences and taking some time to just be alone. That will be a post unto itself.

Since May, I've made it to FL, NC and MO. I personally witnessed Mizzou beat Oklahoma, live at Memorial Stadium, on October 23. What an amazing experience that was!!! I love my Tigers. I'm not a little un-flattered that we were somehow paired (as a 10-2 team) with 7-5 Iowa. But, whatever.

I have surgery in a few days for excision of some ovarian cysts. A fairly common procedure. What's funny: My youngest sister and I have had a few instances of empathic pain. She had her wisdom teeth removed and my mouth swelled up and I had pain in my gums as if I had them out. Things of that nature. Well, it turns out that she has the same ovarian condition with a cysts of the same size and will be having the same surgery only 5 days after mine. We're not twins. In fact, we are 4 years apart in age. My mom is perplexed.

After the procedure, I'll be off of work for a couple of weeks, recovering. Once that's over, it's back on the fitness mission I go!! It's a lifelong journey, folks. Besides, I'm thinking about having a baby. And, I need to be healthy to give him/her the best life. And, I need to lead by example. I never thought I'd be in a position to think about this without actually having a man in my life. But, I'm 34. And, we all know I'll be a spectacular mom. :-)

In the spirit of the holidays, I should share with you that there are still good people in the world. I had to travel to Louisville for work, this week. What a great little city! Anyhoo, on my return home, I'd had a full day of meetings, with an evening departure time and a layover in between two flights. By the time I arrived in Boston, I was exhausted. I caught a taxi and was on my way. We stopped in front of my building. And, as I was filling out the corporate voucher in the back seat, in the dark, my phone rang. The taxi driver put my suitcase out next to the cab. And, tired, discombobulated and trying to do three things at once, I handed the voucher to the driver, took the handle of my suitcase and walked into my apartment, leaving my (new) laptop bag--replete with Netflix dvds and my WALLET in, inside!

I called and called. The dispatch office for the cab company wasn't very reassuring at all, particularly since I did not have the cab number. But, thankfully, because my hospital has a corporate membership and I paid by voucher, the vendor relations manager was able to contact the CEO of the cab company (which has about 500 cabs in the city). He was tremendously helpful in putting out a bulletin about my lost laptop/bag. Don't you know, at 9:30 last night, the driver came to my house and returned my laptop bag with everything in-tact?! God is good and karma works!!! I broke him off with $60 (which is all the cash I had on me because my atm card was in my wallet). He saved me a world of trouble. I'm tremendously grateful to Boston Cab Company!!!

Welp, this is getting long. And, I have an awesome day/evening planned, tomorrow. I'm taking my Abuela to lunch and church and then (yes, I'm saying this in the same sentence) I'm headed to Mohegan Sun to celebrate Kir's birthday with some gambling and dancing. Tee hee.

Love is love!! Choose joy, today.

Oh Happy Day!!

2010-04-02T11:58:00.000-04:00

You may know that Massachusetts has had its share of rain over the last month or so. Flooding everywhere. On few and far-between occasions, we have had some spectacularly sunny days. And, today, happens to be one of those days! It is glorious, outside! The rest of the weekend is forecasted to be much the same. Thank you, Jesus!

I'll be dog-sitting Zoe, Tanner and Casey, out in the woods until Sunday. They are my favorite dogs and, well, the live in my favorite house. It has a giant back porch and grill, which will make it perfect for hanging outdoors with the dogs and hooking up some bbq. I'll take them to the reservoire to get in some running and maybe take them to the dog park (of the ground has dried out) for some socializing.

Special Dark comes up for his Fellowship interview, next week. We'll have dinner. I haven't seen him in about a year. We're in a good space now, I think. It will be nice to catch up. Next weekend, I have a friend coming up from New Jersey. The following week, I'll be dog-sitting in the woods, again. Then my BFF J comes out from KC for a few days at the end of the month. And then more dog-sitting the first weekend in May. A busy April this will be! Then I think my comedian friend in Cali will be coming out some time in May for a few days. And then I head south for the week of Memorial Day to see my sis in North Carolina. I'll probably spend a day or two in VA Beach on either leg, to hang with friends.

That's all for now, folks!
BZ

A Long, Strange Trip It's Been...

2010-03-31T16:18:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been almost a year, again, since I've written anything on this Blog. Life has been pretty good to me. Since last June, I've taken a few trips to Florida (Mom), Missouri (Homecoming, or course), VA Beach (to visit sis and Gym Crush) and Las Vegas (a girls' getaway). I've been committed to the gym, which I love. I have visible muscles and I am thrilled. If I hold my belly fat back, I can see the six-pack. HA! I do see my triceps, which is (in my Seth Rogen voice) AWESOME!

At any rate, work progresses. The weather continues to surprise me. And, the men continue to disappoint.

A couple of friendships have broken over the last year. Some I miss. Some I do not. I miss B and the girls. Ever since that SNAFU last Marathon Monday, things fell apart. And, I miss another friend with whom I ceased all contact because of some drama he brought into the equation. I am fiercely protective of my life and my space. And, well, he just handled some things in a way that jeopardized that. However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about him just about every day.

Gym Crush is currently on deployment. We keep in touch, regularly. I was able to see him right before he left (for 8 months) on MLK weekend. I was flattered he took the night to hang with yours-truly (on less than 48hrs notice) the day before he left for war. I'd have been all kinds of scatterbrained. But, not him. My baby sis drove up from NC to hang, too. I was glad to see her. I got to see Baldy while there, as well. He shaved his mustache! It's amazing how young men can look without facial hair.

Anyway, that's about it. I may try to revive this gig yet.

Peace & Love
BZ

Out of the Blue

2009-06-05T14:21:00.006-04:00

He rubbed my feet. I'd been on them for the last ten hours, in heeled sandals. I'm sure they were less than desireable by that time. Dry. Sensitive. But, he was undeterred. He wanted to do something kind to serve me.

Exhausted from the days events, including meetings upon meetings and student crises, I had ordered out. When I got home, I didn't bother to cook or clean up or even change my clothes for him. With my ID badge still on, I kicked off the sandals, plopped down on my big, red cushioned chair, tucked my legs up under me, and wolfed down yet another late dinner. The life of a youth program manager. Afterward, we talked long and hard about the last year or so that's passed since we've seen one another. Revelations. Friends and family passing. The invariable twists and turns of life's lessons along the journey self-discovery.

I noticed some changes in his appearance. The first and most staggering was that he'd shaved off his locks. It kind of made his bald head look small against his large frame. Although, he had leaned out, similar to the way Dwayne Johnson did between his "Rock" days and today. Before, he was all big and bulky, looking like a black hulk. He does manage a gym. His look, today, suited him more. A slightly leaner-yet-stll-muscular version. More...approachable. Same milk chocolate complexion and the same, sexy million-dollar smile.

He asked, "What type of men are you used to dating?" The question took me aback because I don't remember the last time I'd answered it. Rather than go on and on about dating guys who had something or someone they always put before me, I simply said, "Selfish." I figured it pretty well summed up all the men who'd taken my power from me--by lying, misleading and generally not considering me...at all. The men who'd harmed me or cheated. The men with substance issues or any other form of addiction that got in the way of us building something meaningful and committed. Selfish. That was it.

He asked, "What are you doing tomorrow night?" Embarrassed yet matter-of-factly, I replied, "Lately, my Fridays consist of doing laundry, drinking wine and watching Dateline. Honestly, I think I just need the cat to complete the cliche." He laughed. I said, "So to answer your question, a whole bunch of nothing. Sadly, I don't even really mind." With his lotion-filled hands firmly rubbing up and down my feet and calves, he replied, "Well, I would love to cook you dinner and then take you out for drinks...maybe shoot some pool if you'll let me teach you how. That is, if it's alright with you." "We can do that," I smiled.

He led the way as we walked toward the front door of my building. He stopped to turn around and say goodbye, offering me a giant, warm bear hug, lasting about 30 seconds. After, he lifted his index finger under my chin, tilting my head up, and leaned in--giving me the sweetest, most simple kiss. "I'll see you, tomorrow, baby girl."

Suffocating

2009-06-01T13:33:00.002-04:00

Pardon the interruption.

Had a wonderful and enlightening time in FL. I learned something about myself. And, I didn't want to return to MA. I actually contemplated just scoring a waitressing gig while there and flipping the giant bird finger to the north. But, I'm too responsible for that. Despite the glorious weather, yesterday and today, I still don't want to be here. When I moved back to Boston from VA, I said I'd be in FL in 5 years. It's now 3 years in, and I haven't made a step. It's time to do it. I can't just up and leave. I have responsibilities. I have to pay down some debt and save some more money. But, it's time to make a better effort at getting things in motion.

On Vacation

2009-05-28T10:08:00.002-04:00

In FL, visiting mom dukes. Will be back...maybe.

(That's from the trip to Longboat Key. Will have more on FB soon.)

Worktime Whirlwind

2009-05-06T11:43:00.005-04:00

I have to say: I had 76 (yes, 76) students apply for my summer jobs program, this year! This week, all week, are the interviews for those candidates. I have 33 down, 43 to go. Of those, I'll be able to hire about 40 (in addition to the students I currently have and college returns, who will carry through the summer). About 60, total. I had 55, last year. I'm really excited, and consider myself blessed, to be able to grow my program despite the economic crunch every organization is facing, today. Not that 5 more kids is a huge dent. But, I had more kids apply this year. The fact that word is spreading about the program-- makes me happy. AND, thanks to that grant I got a while back, we'll be able to make significant contributions to the college educations of our graduating seniors! Not to mention, make donations to the high schools we work with, who will also identify graduates to whom they will award scholarships.

One of my kids approached me the other day. She's off to see her brother's graduation from boot camp. He's the first in her family to join the armed services, so she and her parents/siblings aren't sure what to expect. She knows I come from a military family. So, she asked some questions about what it will be like, now and after, and asked for some advice on what to bring with her (for him) and how she can be supportive. I was touched she came to me and consider myself blessed to be able to help her out. It's just one of those things that you don't know unless you've "been there".

A resurrected friend leaves for Iraq in October...for a year. SSgt (now "Gunny", actually!) just came back from a year over there, too. He'll be up next weekend to hang out with some of his Corps buddies, and me. I just hope he's ok. This was his third tour over there.

This post had me thinking about my sis and her service. I did a Y.out.ub.e search for her detachment. This is her ACTUAL detachment! This was back in 2006 when her team went to KY for training before their 2nd deployment to Iraq (from which she was able to return early, thank GOD, because of her separation schedule).

A Change of Pace

2009-04-27T10:37:00.005-04:00

This weekend was spectacular. The weather could not have been any better. Sunny and 80s, just how I like it. I had all the windows open the entire weekend. Friday was low-key. Had some good company to enjoy the weather and some summer fare (serious lobster rolls) from K.elly's, along with summer libations (K.etel O.one & cran w/ extra lime). It was a great night.

Saturday, the usual morning gym routine. I also did a little shopping for me me me me! Picked up some sandals and a handbag to go with the summer dress I'd later wear to dinner w/ the girls at R.uth's Ch.ris, downtown. I was feeling extra fly. And, I guess it showed. As I was outside my apartment, waiting for a taxi to take me to dinner, some random Euro stopped and asked if he could take me where I needed to go. I smiled and politely declined, with thanks. Then he asked if he could get my number. Had I been more attracted, I might have said yes. But, again, I declined politely. At least he was nice enough to wish me a good day (rather than the a$$holes who take it personally and begin insulting you after you turn them down, UGH!). Dinner was fabulous. I was supposed to go see Big Red afterward (he lives around the corner from the restaurant), because he'd had surgery on his achilles (getting the staples out, tomorrow). But, he wasn't around. I looked too good to go home, but I did, knowing I needed the sleep. Shoulda given the Euro my number. lol Psych!

Friday evening, coupled with the food of Saturday evening, and the weather all-around, made this weekend ridiculously great! Sunday, I slept in, relaxed, went for a walk, did some food shopping and just enjoyed the breeze through my apartment with all the windows open. Caught up on the final episodes of Season 1 of B.ig L.ove, courtesy of N.etflix. I made the round of birthday phone calls (I know FOUR people whose birthdays are 4/26). And, I hooked up a nice little dinner of Tilapia, rissoto and veggies, of course with my summer beverage of choice. ;-)

My girl, Greedy Monster, and I agreed we'll be spending our summer Sundays at the beach, this year. Last summer I think we only made it once. That is a sin!

Exhausted

2009-04-21T12:25:00.004-04:00

Some random tidbits.

Via Text
Me to Bougie: Girl, I think I just need a cat to complete the cliche. I just ate pie crust for dessert. I had no sweets in the house. So I ate pie crust.

Bougie to Me: HAHAHA! Girl, it's not that bad! You are too funny. But seriously, that's not a big deal.

Me to Bougie: I. ATE. F*CKING. PIE. CRUST!!! I'm so doomed to be the cat lady.

Bougie to Me: Girl! Don't feel bad! I just poured wine into a water bottle so I could drink while taking the dog for a walk! Man, we're pathetic!

FYI
Passive aggressive is not a good look, fellas. It makes you look like a p*ssy. Just say what you want to say. Don't go phishing for reactions by instigating with vague comments. It's childish and will not win you points.

Saturday
I got played. Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me. Man, I am so tired of being the one to bend to meet certain folks on their terms. To be the one to go out of my way, every damn time, just to see people who only consider me some kind of afterthought. I must be insane. Again, I take full responsibility. It's time to clean house. A big, giant FUCK OFF!!! to selfish a$$holes.

That did, however, give me the chance to hang out with one of my girls from high school who happened to be in town, last minute. I went back to my hometown to hang with her at a townie bar and the band ROCKED!!!

Sunday
One of my dear friends made a lovely dinner. It was so nice to chill outside in nice weather, have a great dinner and share a bottle of wine. The three of us ended up watching an episode of "F.or the l.ove of R.ay J". None of us had seen the show (nor any real desire to do so), before. However, we know people who love it. That crap is a hot a$$ mess. NEVER AGAIN!!!

Monday
I took the day off. Got to see my nieces. I hadn't the chance to spend quality time with them in forever. So, I took the day off to have special time with my ladies. B and I introduced the girls to the world of El Oriental (Cuban diner). The food was fantastic as always. The girls behaved REALLY well. I had an awesome time hanging out with them. That is, until, the giant clusterf*ck that is Marathon Monday in Boston (on top of it being a Sox home game AND a C's playoff home game) rained on our parade, or was it just her husband? Let me just say that I was PMS'ing. B was PMS'ing. AND, I f*cking hate drama. I especially hate drama when it surrounds me and I have nothing to do with it, and I can't esacape it. I don't know if it stems from growing up with two parents who fought like cats and dogs all the time or what. But, I SERIOUSLY hate it. And, I don't particularly care for when people ask me for help and they don't listen to me anyway. We already know I f*cking hate traffic. So, why would I like traffic any more than normal when all I have to listen to is people b*tch at each other? Especially when it has nothing to do with me?!?! If I say turn left, and you turn right...and I say pull over here and you keep driving...WTF?!?! Don't ask me! B's hubby ran the marathon. B was somehow expected to get herself, her two girls (under the age of 3) and the giant monstrosity of f*cking ridiculousness known as her car into the city to pick up her jerk of a husband who wouldn't walk the two f*cking blocks to the parking garage where we were finally able to find a spot. She's not from the city. She doesn't drive in the city. (Why she even let herself get into that mess is beyond me.) Yeah, you just ran a marathon. I get it. But, so did everyone else who's walking to the parking garage. They fought on the phone back and forth about him not wanting to walk and us not being able go get the tanker of a Y.ukon down the BPD-barricaded-streets neighboring the damn race route. They hang up. He calls back. She says, "You talk to him." So, I pick up the phone trying to be nice. This muhf*cka has the nerve to start talking out the side of his neck TO ME!!!! So, I let him know that I am not his wife so he need not talk to me like that and and frankly, I'm f*cking tired of the two of them going back and forth while I could be on my merry gotdamn way home. Finally, she pulls over (where I'd told her to pull off over an hour beforehand) and tells her husband to come to the car (which is what she should have done from the very beginning). Her husband, father-in-law and some other guy finally come to the car. I get out and just start walking. I don't even say goodbye. I was fuming. Better to not say anything at all in the heat of the moment like that. I just walked away. The girls were asleep. There wasn't enough room in the car to get me home, so I planned to take the T. I was originally hoping to be home by 5 so I could catch my breath and go to kickboxing at 6:30. But nope, all that bullsh*t lasted so long, and finally ended, of course, during rush hour on the day of the Boston Marathon, a Sox home game and a Celtics playoff home game. I didn't get to my house until after 6:30. So, I couldn't make kickboxing when I could have really used it after all that mess. SO HEATED!!!!! Honestly, I wish I had a f*cking punching bag in my house. I was so angry. I love B with all my heart. I love my nieces. I hate that her husband is a d*ck. But, she engaged in that bull, too. Seriously, all that mess could have been avoided had she just put her foot down and said, "Look, this is where my car is. Get here or don't. I'm leaving in 30 minutes," without driving all over God's creation and the back and forth on the phone. I seriously don't get it. I may be the single one with no kids, living in an apartment and eating pie crust for dessert. But, f*ck all that madness. Seriously. You couldn't pay me enough.

In General
I am f*cking exhausted. I need to get away. I need to sleep. And I really, REALLY don't want to talk to anyone, at all, for a while, especially since it feels like, lately, most people only call to complain/vent or ask for advice. This is, of course, in large part due to my enabling mofos. But, seriously, when do I get a phone call or text that asks how I'M doing, or just to make me smile some morning? I'm going to have to do the withdrawl thing again. I've been bending so much I feel like I'm going to break. I also feel like I spend so much time catering to the needy folks that I don't give enough attention to the people who actually DO just hit me up to ask about me, or to put a smile on my face. I really need to clean house. I take responsibility for it. So, it's on me.

Making it do what it do.

2009-04-16T12:34:00.004-04:00

So Tuesday morning was the first day I woke up, after a night of kickboxing, that my body didn't feel completely beat to hell. I slept great and woke up feeling great. I lasted through class w/o stopping and was even able to up my intensity level a bit and stay in control. Wednesday morning, again, I woke up refreshed and well, after a night of mega-choreographed step aerobics. I was also able to up the intensity there, a bit, too, modifying my moves to be more advanced and on par with the instructor. I know this means I'm at a point where I'll need to switch it up in order to see results. But, I just want to enjoy for a time the fact that I've actually mastered something. People never expect to see my rotund self doing as well as I do for the hour and change that is cardio hell. And I love it.

There's one girl that's been coming to class, lately. She's clueless (as in lacks any sort of coordination). She's gorgeous. And, she wears things slightly inappropriate for the gym. Instead of hating on her like the rest of the women in class, I've made it my business to be cordial and friendly and encouraging. Like Bruno from DWTS to K.im K.ardashian, "You have more wasted assets than Fannie Mae." It's true. Gorgeous. Bangin body. And, absolutely no f*cking clue. BUT, she's nice. And I think a lot of people hate on her just cuz she's beautiful and she wears stuff that the rest of us wouldn't.

Let's switch focus here, for a second. WHAT THE FUCK is up with ladies getting naked in the gym locker room? Really? Topless or bra/panties is one thing, ex. when switching from work clothes to workout clothes. But, it's not like G.old's is known for its amenities. It's a real gym. Nasty and sweaty. (And, I'm repeating myself if any of you are on my FB page). But, I wouldn't want to let my bare foot touch anything up in that piece. Nevermind the vitals. And, seriously. . I do not need to be traumatized by swamp donkey forestry at any time of day! If you choose to sport the birthday suit, at least have the decency to do some landscaping first!!! zdvh ihjcvi;uahdfakl;sjfpiqweu That's me throwing up. I've spoken on this before. I don't know why it keeps happening.

And, for the love of God, wipe equipment down after you use it. We all sweat and from all parts of the body (if we're working out correctly). I do not need to encounter your nut sweat drippings on the a$$ portion of the leg press, abductor or adductor, or any other machine where you sit. It's f*cking gross. Clean up after yourself.

Just my $.02.

Ways to Save

2009-04-13T10:05:00.002-04:00

Produce
We've all been guilty of tossing produce in the garbage because we didn't get around to eating everything we purchased for the week, right? Try this. When the fruit is just beyond the point where you'd want to pick it up and eat it, but not yet bad/spoiled, cut it up and put it in a blender w/ some ice & fat free frozen yogurt. Toss in a scoop or two of protein powder. That will last a couple of days in your fridge. That's a protein snack ready and waiting for you after your workout. As for bread: keep it in the fridge. It will last much longer.

Household Items
I'm a big coupon clipper and have been known to save over $40 on a grocery run, just by paying attention to what's on sale and what I have coupons for. However, there are just some things that, no matter how low they go on sale, and what denomination coupon you have for it, it won't be cheaper than $1. Check out your local D.ollar T.ree, first (everything is $1). I'm not saying you should buy the lead-infused toothpaste from China. But, check it: They have name-brand aluminum foil for $1. That sh*t is over $3, even at Target! Packs of sponges, even the kind with the green abrasive side and soft yellow side, $1. I don't keep sponges long at all. A germ thing. So, I hit up D.ollar T.ree for them. From time to time, they have name-brand household cleaners, too. They don't take coupons. So, sometimes, you can get an item cheaper at the grocery store or pharmacy, if it's on sale and you have a coupon (like S.oftsoap hand soap is usually around $1 at the pharmacy and there are always coupons for it in the paper, making it damn-near-free. It's $1 at D.ollar T.ree -- which doesn't accept coupons). But, they do have a lot of useful sh*t on the low low. GOOD scissors, for instance. I'm telling you, it's worth just checking out what they have so you get an idea of where you can save some $$. One caveat: Don't use their cheapo version of z.iploc bags. They s*ck. It's worth splurging on the real thing (for which there are usually coupons in the paper, and coupons often come in the actual package after purchase).

Helping Others Save
Commissaries (grocery stores) on bases overseas will accept coupons up to six months past the expiration date. So, if you have coupons you don't get around to using, put them in envelopes (sorted: food, household, health/beauty). Click HERE for a list of base addresses where you can send them to.

Nutritional Supplements
BodyBuilding.com is damn-near a whole-sale retailer for many supplement brands. Their prices are usually lower than competitors and they often have shipping discounts. Check them out before you buy anything at your usual spot. And no, they don't pay me to say that. I just really find the site useful. The exception I've found to this would be protein powder. T.arget usually has good prices on the EAS stuff. W.almart may as well, but I don't shop there, on principle.

TGIF! No, seriously. Thank you, Jesus, for this Good Friday!

2009-04-10T09:59:00.004-04:00

Today signifies the foundation of Christian faith. For this day (and every day), I am grateful.

No meetings today. I'm leaving at 4. I actually got to take advantage of dress-down Friday because I, for once, don't have any meetings on a Friday!

I'll head to the gym for my massage appointment with Marc (insert naughty wink here). That man's hands work magic. And, I honestly believe he probably receives at least one marriage proposal per week. I've been doing quite a bit extra on the legs, lately. So, I think I'll have him give them some extra attention today.

Every month that I go to the gym, consistently, 3-4 times per week, I reward myself with a massage. I've lost 8 pounds in the last two weeks. So, I'm excited. My trainer apointments are going well. And, my clothes are feeling great.

After the massage this afternoon, I'll go home, take a bath, put together a bite to eat, and then head up to my Abuela's to go to church with her.

I'm a little conflicted because there's a going away party for one of my girlfriends. But, it's at a club. And, I've been sort of anti-club, lately. Not to mention, it kinda happens to be really one of the most holy days of the Christian faith. I want to see her off in style. But, I'd really rather not do it in a sea of liquor-induced gluttony on Good Friday, of all days. Don't get me wrong. I can throw them back like the next person. But, there's just something about the day I try to respect.

We'll see.

Gym routine:

Monday: Ab blast, 45 min Cardio Kickboxing
Tuesday: 45 min Step Aerobics, Ab blast
Wednesday: 20 min eliptical, weights/plyos, 20 min eliptical
Saturday: Ab blast, 45 min Cardio Kickboxing, weights/plyos w/ trainer

So far, so good. And, I feel great.

Azuleta's Fiesta Bowl

2009-04-08T13:47:00.005-04:00

I'll probably make this tonight. So, I'll update it with a picture.

baby spinach
2% milkfat sharp cheddar cheese (block or shredded)
can of corn (or cut corn from the cob)
can of black beans
tomatoes (I like little grape tomatoes)
sliced cucumber (I like diced)
shaved carrot
sliced mushrooms
your choice of protein
(Grilled skinless chicken is what I use for this, marinated overnight. I tend to use the cheaper parts for things like salads because it's all broken up for the salad anyway. Thighs are like half the cost of breast meat.)

All the amounts are relative to what you use for your serving size.

Wash & dry your spinach. Cut up your protein. Rinse your corn and black beans in a strainer, drain, put in stor-able container to the side. Cut up your cheese (or you could use shredded).

In bowl, mix spinach leaves, about 1/4-1/3 cup each of beans and corn, a serving of tomatoes, cucs, carrot shavings and mushrooms. (Store the extra corn and beans in a container in the fridge, separate from the other stuff. You can use it for another salad later.) Toss on the cheese bits. Add your protein. I love Marzetti's Fat Free Ranch Dip as dressing. You only need a little bit. It has great flavor and is fat FREEEEEE!

I know it's mad simple. But, I never would have thought of it, myself. I made my own spin on this "southwest salad" I had at this Tex-Mex restaurant by my office. It's too easy not to do.

Easy Meal: Grilled Salmon & Sweet Potatoes

2009-04-07T09:50:00.008-04:00

The amount of ingredients will depend on how many servings you require. This one made a little over 3 for me. After cooking and cooling off, I break out the servings into tupperwear containers so I can grab and go the next day or so for lunch or dinner.

I like to marinade my proteins overnight in a z.iploc bag in the fridge. This isn't required. And, I don't need to tell y'all about cleaning your meats/fish beforehand. That's just a given. This recipe requires a little more time than the last one, but is still pretty quick.

2 large sweet potatoes
1/4 cup brown sugar
3-4 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp minced/crushed garlic

1 large filet of salmon (3/4 pound)
1/2 - 3/4 cup marinade sauce of choice
(I use La.wry's if I'm cheating w/ instant stuff)

The order of these things may seem wierd. But, it's all about timing so the fish and potatoes are done around the same time.

* Boil large pot of water (for potatoes).
* Peel & cut sweet potatoes into chunks.

* When the hot water boils, heat oven or grill to about 350-400 (for fish).

* Put the potato chunks in the boiling water, cook until mildly soft (you can cut easily enough with wooden spoon & a little pressure).

* While potatoes are boiling, place salmon filet on aluminum foil w/ marinade & wrap it loosely in the foil. Put to side.

* When potatoes are done boiling, drain and put in bowl, smash with wooden spoon, until slightly chunky. Add brown sugar while smashing.

* After you've smashed the potatoes, put wrapped salmon filet on the grill or in the oven. The amount of time it requires depends on A) how well done you like your salmon, and B) how big/thick the filet is. Larger filets take more time. I usually cut a thick filet in half. I average about 12-15 mins on the grill. For the last couple of minutes, I open up the foil to give it the grilled effect.

* As soon as you put the salmon on the grill, heat oil in skillet & add garlic.
* Once you smell the garlic, add the smashed sweet potatoes, mixing occasionally.

Both the sweet potatoes and the salmon should be done about the same time.

Enjoy!!

Easy Meal: Shells, Veggies & Shrimp

2009-04-06T10:50:00.004-04:00

1 pkg of Knorr's Pasta Sides: Creamy Garlic Shells

Milk

Butter or alternative

1 pkg of Birdseye Steamfresh Veggies: Broccoli, Carrots, Sugar Snap Peas & Water Chestnuts

Shrimp (I use the cooked, frozen kind for this because it's easy)

=======
Put frozen shrimp in bowl of warm-to-hot water to thaw. While the shrimp thaws, prepare the Pasta Sides, stir regularly. I use fat-free milk and S.mart B.alance instead of the 2% and butter or margarine that the package recipe calls for. While the pasta is cooking, toss the Steamfresh bag in the microwave for 6 minutes. While the pasta and veggies are cooking, take the tails off the shrimp and drain. By the time the pasta is done, the veggies will be also. Throw everything in one bowl.

You have your protein, carbs and veggies all in one. That should be about 3 meals worth of food in 15 minutes and for about $7, total.

Pasta Sides go for about $1 a pop at the local grocery. Steamfresh veggies go for about $2 a bag. Shrimp, here, goes for about $7.99-8.99/lb. I use about 1/2 pound when I make the recipe.

I had $1 off 3 coupon for the Pasta Sides (= $.67/bag). I had $1 off 2 for the Steamfresh veggies (= $1.50 bag). Shrimp was on sale for $6.99/lb (= $3.50 for the 1/2 pound). $5.67 for 3-4 meals made in 15 minutes.

Feeling Great

2009-04-06T10:31:00.002-04:00

Work is busy, but good. Getting ready to take on 55 rugrats at the hospital gain. We actually decided to scale it down to 7 weeks, instead of 8, this summer. It will give me a little more breathing room between summer's end and my school-year internship program. I anticipate an increase in summer applicants. But, things have been quiet so far. Applications are due next Friday. So, we'll see then.

I managed to save $30 on my $110 grocery bill this week (I do food shopping e/o weekend). Came away with 8 full, reusable grocery bags for $80. Coupons, coupons, coupons! :-) Minus the ice cream, it was all very healthy, too. LOL

Kickboxing and Step Aerobics are going great. I feel myself getting stronger every week. I'm even doing the entire Abs Blast class w/o breaking. And, I hired a personal trainer to meet once/week. I know my way around a gym and the machines, etc. But, I wanted someone to be accounable to each week. Someone who will push me in my lifting and resistance training. Someone who can give me new ideas--to keep it interesting. Someone to ensure the muscle confusion required to constantly see progress. I figure, if I do the cardio classes 4x week, meet with the trainer 1xweek, and mimick the session, independently, once or twice, I'm good to go. I'm already seeing results. I'm walking around like I have a dump in my pants because I'm sore from Saturday, still! I love it.

My food choices are gravitating toward the things I know will keep me fueled for the gym. I'm doing the food shopping and preparing my meals in advance. As soon as I get home from the grocery store, I wash all the produce and pick the grapes and de-stem & slice the strawberries and store them in containers in the fridge. That way, they're always ready to eat or throw in the lunch pale. Oatmeal and eggs for breakfast. Lots of fish. Sweet potatoes!! Anyway, I feel great and I'm excited.

The man scene is a whole 'notha subject. Pretty quiet and I'm ok with that. There's one sort of exciting development, but I'm going to wait on sharing because I don't want to get ahead of myself. BluJewel knows the deal and I'm grateful to have her to share it with! Other than that, I got nothin'. LOL

I think I'll be posting on some quick & easy meal options for people like myself who are gone from 8am - 8pm on the regular.

Fuq Yo' Bracket!

2009-03-27T14:26:00.002-04:00

Nights like the last are precisely why your girl is a game purist. I don't do the bracket bullsh*t. I don't talk smack pre or post game. I don't bet money on athletics. I just love to watch. The thrill is in the battle. There is no love in the waging of a bet. The love is in the excitement of watching a truly fantastic game, and outcome, unfold. Of witnessing a David take down a Goliath. I root for my Tigers first and foremost. Then, I root for the underdog. Villanova did a hell of a job in spanking Duke by TWENTY THREE POINTS! I was so happy to see that tiny a$$ school called Xavier (OH) give Pitt a run for their money. And then came the Missouri Tigers, who blew up everyone's bracket by owning the Memphis Tigers on Thursday night. At one point, Mizzou was up by 24. Many people, self-proclaimed experts and "fans" had Memphis going the whole way. What folks fail to realize is that, when it comes down to the wire, there is no accounting, statistically, for heart. And, last night, Mizzou not only had the talent, the skill and the might; they had the heart. All five starters scored in the double digits. They brought the pain. And, no team has scored 100 points against Memphis since 2000! They deconstructed Memphis' like a fuckin' LEGO castle!

40 minutes of hell, baby. I know Mizzou has a big game against a big man team on Saturday. But, I believe they are capable. Again, I'm not a better or a gambler. I just love the game. The last time Mizzou made it to the Elite Eight, I believe was my freshman year, 1995, with the likes of Julian Winfield, Melvin Booker and Kelly Thames. They were ousted by UCLA and the O'Bannon twins. That was a heartbreaker.

I'll be rooting for them tomorrow night as they play for a chance at their first Final Four birth in MY school's history.

Mizzou has done some fantastic work on both with the likes of its football and basketball coaching staff. I'm proud that it's one not-too-many NCAA Division One power conference schools with an African American Head Coach, too.

GO TIGERS!!!

Monday Madness

2009-02-23T10:26:00.004-05:00

I don't know WTF is going on. I can't seem to get my brain to focus on much of anything important, lately. I feel easily distracted. Could it be that Julio hasn't been eating? I'm thinking that may well be the case. Having emptied the stables, the options are minimal, and none of whom are really at all deserving. So, I'm not giving in. Well...I'm trying not to, anyway.

Hung out with one of my girls on Friday to watch her cousin play for the Oklahoma City Thunder. Those cats look like a college team. I swear, they're half the size of NBA players. It was a pretty sad sight (not to mention the actual game, itself).

Saturday, went to see my stepdad to help him pack stuff up and get rid of some things before the big move to France. I'm happy for him. Yet, I'm scared at the same time. Will he receive the same quality of care and treatment that he receives here? Who knows. I do know that he's happy to start a new chapter over there. And that, in and of itself, will help tremendously.

I also went to dinner with a couple of my girls, at my favorite restaurant. Our waitress was fantastic. I've had her before and knew we were in for a treat when she came to our table. She did not disappoint, and neither did the food. I swear, you cannot tell there's a recession in Boston. They say the industry has taken a hit. But, with the way this place (around $40/head for app & dinner, no drinks) was crowded at 8:30 p.m. on a Saturday, no one could tell. Isn't your house in foreclosure? What are you doing here? Go home! I shouldn't have to wait 20 mins for a table that late at night. Tried going to Tarjhay. The parking lot was full. I knew I'd be in for a nightmare. So, I drove right past it. WTF?!

Yesterday, I just relaxed. My legs were so sore from climbing all the steps a billion times at my stepdad's place. At least I know I got a good workout. I watched a few old episodes of F.rid.ay N.igh.t L.igh.ts, courtesy of N.etfl.ix. I'm not big into awards shows. so I skipped the O.sc.ars.

How 'bout them Tigers?!?! 23-4, with 4 games left in the regular season. Already heading to the Big XII Championship and have secured a spot in the tourney. I know they haven't typically fared well in March. But, one can always hope.

Anyway, that's all I got. Not very interesting. But, I'm kind of ok with that. :-)

Calm After The Storm

2009-02-19T12:22:00.004-05:00

I'm still irritated about not being able to claim my student loan interest on my federal taxes. But, whatever. The economy's in the sh*tter and I want students to be able to get loans to go to school. So, f*ck it. Keep it.

On the other front: I really appreciate how some people can recognize within something they may have done, when you address an issue openly. After the email discussion had amongst the group of party-goers from Friday, one of the folks actually approached me on the side and apologized for any offense he may have committed. In reality, there were potentially two sources of the same one issue I had addressed and he took responsibility for it and the ensuing discussion. It wasn't even his behavior I was pissed off about. It was the person who came to meet him and that person's company. Anyway, I really appreciate the guts it takes to approach that kind of conversation and the fact that he did it rather swiftly. That's the kind of sh*t that earns respect.

The other offender, on the other hand, has not even said "boo" to me. Nor did he even participate in the open conversation via email, among the guests -- largely, I'm sure, because he knew he was at fault. So. . . he's still on the sh*t list. The more I thought about it last night, and the list of things I could come up with to demonstrate just how sh*tty of a friend he's actually been over quite some time, the less I even care and the more I'm likely just to keep my distance from him. EVERY time he reaches out to me, he wants something. Editing. Brain picking. Food. Tivo. Assistance. Advice. Liquor. Access to my work to do something for his job. Of course, like a sucker, I help. Why? Don't ask me. I'm a glutton for punishment. The only time he connected with me on something about ME was when he saw some facebook status update and wanted to know about a stalker. Of course, after I told him about the situation, he never even replied or continued the conversation.

On a more positive front, I posted the photos from the party on my FB acct. I swear to God, there were like 75 notifications about the pictures in that album within minutes of its posting. LOL It was a lot of fun. And, I do miss having people over so often. I guess I might be able to manage doing it more if I just keep the invite list a bit more selective. I don't like being too exclusive because it can lend itself to the reputation of "uppity". And, that ain't me. But, I need to not care. Because, I know I'm not that way. I just appreciate manners, courtesy, respect and an outgoing, positive and friendly vibe from people. I don't really think that's too much to ask. And, maybe a little show of appreciation by having something to bring to the table. Cuz, really, it ain't even for me. I just can't afford to feed 25 people on my own! I stick to one liquor in a night and I don't really eat because I'm never hungry after I cook. There's never much food left after these things. So, it's not like I benefit that way. And, the tons of leftover liquor are brought to the next host's house or stays 'til the next party.

Anyway, here's your girl with her homie and her homie's BFF "Goose". My Bacardi Peach and Pineapple juice must have been good, because I'm leaning in like every f*ckin picture! LOL

Yeah, so. . .

2009-02-17T16:16:00.003-05:00

I have a few rants to get off my chest. We all know I'm a usually chipper and kind-hearted chick (minus my road rage, of course). But, I'm pissed off. Let me share with you why.

The WTF of the Year:
So, I kind of thought the point in earning a college education was to eventually earn a decent living. Please tell me why the fuck am I now unable to claim my student loan interest as a credit on my damn income taxes? *looks left; looks right* It's not like the epic stupor known as my undergraduate career is really even aiding me in my current role, yet I'm still paying Sally Mae through the nose. WTF?!

Why I Rarely Have People Over Any More: No Home Training
So, I sent an email out on Wednesday, inviting folks to my (ONE BEDROOM) home for Friday night. The usual. Good people. Good music. Good food. Great liquor. :-) I specifically asked folks to let me know whether they were coming (having learned the lesson from gatherings past that some muhfuckas just haven't grasped that it's common courtesy to RSVP w/o someone reminding you to do so). The invite was to people I know well, so I felt comfortable enough saying, "Bring whatever dish or drink you care to share," and suggested people bring their i.P.ods because I have a port on my home theater system. Most of them were mad cool about everything and gave me a heads up on all fronts, and brought loads of nice things to share.

Please tell me why someone (who's actually been kind of a sh*tty friend the last couple years--and, my fault for still helping a muhfucka when asked) might feel so inclined to A) not bother to tell me they're coming, B) have the nerve to come, emptyhanded (for like the 20th time) with a guest, C) have the nerve to invite anotha muhfucka--I don't even like--into MY HOME, and then D) proceed to drink like more than half of the most expensive bottle of liquor in the building (which, incidentally, was bought especially by a friend for me, and that friend, an annual tradition he and I share, which is why the bottle wasn't put out with the rest of the liquor on the bar in the living room). I think it's cuz I have a habit of allowing people to take advantage of me. I need to cut that sh*t out.

Then, please also tell me why, (another person) might invite someone (again, all unaccounted for) to show up later(like near the point where I'm ready for folks to leave) and they have the f*ckin' nerve to bring a gotdamn entourage of strangers up in my house? If I didn't invite you and I barely know your ass, I don't expect you to walk by me when I open the door, like you own the place and I don't belong there or something, looking for someone. Not offer the remedial courtesy of an introduction (I had to ask for one)...and then have the nerve to sit amongst yourselves, off to the side, with your noses turned up at everything? GTFOOHWTBS and don't come back. Last year, I actually, quietly, told people to leave because of that sh*t. You're lucky I actually like the mutual friend. Sadly, I ain't the only one who made that same observation (including on other occasions) and I was told more than once I should have stood up for myself. But, I was drinking and it ain't my style to make a scene. So f*ck it.

I'll just know better next time.

DISCLAIMER: I should say that, I don't expect every single person to bring something, every single time. It's not a pre-requisite for entry. I like to cook and have people over. It's just that the offenders in the aforementioned scenarios are actually repeat offenders. I sent an email addressing these very things to the group of invitees. There were several responses by other past hosts affirming the fact that these situations are precisely why they do not host any more. I should also say that the majority of folks are mad cool. But, the "usual suspects" are widdling down the options for everyone.

Random Thoughts Thursday

2009-02-12T10:39:00.002-05:00

1. This blog is getting boring!

2. I am back in the gym routine for a couple weeks now and my clothes are starting to fit and look better, already. I'm happy. I'm tired as hell. But, I'm happy.

3. I gave up on men at the end of last year. Cleaned house. I'm tired. I have no energy. I did have one really great date with a newbie. But, I wasn't getting my hopes up about it. We had a lot of fun and I liked him. But, he doesn't seem too eager. I'm good.

4. Work is great. Thank GOD. More and more friends & relatives are popping up unemployed. The sh*t is ridiculous.

5. There is a guy at my gym that really resembles my old VA Gym Crush. He's so f*ckin hot. Bald. Light. Full lips. Green eyes. Muscle-y and inked out. *drooool* I. Want. To. Have. His. Babies.

6. Blu has this issue in her life she calls "Steve". I am going to call mine Julio. He has haunted me ever since the seal was broken at 19. In an ideal world, Julio would be fed every day, twice a day, and more on the weekends. If Julio doesn't eat, he makes BZ want to punch a muhf*cka in the throat. I can't help it! He is out of my control. Seriously. It's a curse. If I ever get married, my husband will be in for a world of trouble. This is probably why I'm not married. Julio is a huge part of my life and I believe I have been penalized because I loooooove Julio and I keep him fed. He's on a healthy diet. But, I believe men think that, since I feed him from time to time, I'm not the marrying kind. The f*ck ever. Me and Julio are just fine.

7. I'm already putting together the calendar for my summer jobs program. WTF? The marketing launch starts next month. And so ensues the whirlwind.

8. I have thoroughly enjoyed the 50+ temps the last couple days. It has spawned some serious Spring Fever. But, knowing New England, we will have a blizzard some time next week. I'm enjoying this while I can. The news said this is the first 10-day stretch with no snow, all winter. Where is global warming when you need it?

9. I'm out of here, early, today to enjoy a dinner with some old EA friends of mine from my last position. Nothing like dinner and drinks with old friends.

10. I have scheduled a professional massage for tomorrow morning. I'm soooooooo looking forward to it. I will get one for every 10lbs I lose.

Have a great weekend!!

And The Beat Goes On

2009-02-02T14:25:00.002-05:00

So, the last couple of weeks have been really cool. (Aside from one hellish commute while dog-sitting for one of my BFFs.) In all, I had the chance to do a couple of totally, ridiculously spontaneous things, which included seeing a long lost friend whom I'd not been in contact with in about 12 years, and taking a mini excursion this past Friday to see another friend I hadn't seen in some time. This past Friday...also being the Friday I hosted 30 kids at the hospital for Job Shadow Day. I must pat myself on the back for the fact that my hospital is about 1/5 the size of a neighboring institution, who only hosted 50 kids altogether. Yay for me! Quiet as it's kept in some circles, I've received a fair number of invites to participate in best practice panels on youth workforce development issues. Only been in the gig for a year and a half, I (with the help of a great boss) have built a real powerhouse of a program and people are now starting to ask my advice. It's an honor and a pleasure and, yeah, kind of an ego booster. Hopefully, I can parlay that into another promotion come my 2-yr mark at summer's end. I'll try to keep my head grounded, though....even after getting the nod from a certain corporate foundation for my $50,000 grant proposal for scholarships for my graduating seniors!!!!! What a blessing. Seriously. If I keep doing this, work on the promotions, and get the credibility and relationships I need, and the necessary education, I may be able to make my goal of securing enough funding, independently, to open up a camp of my own. That's the 10-year plan, people.

Bougie and I were supposed to celebrate Friday night. But, her daughter was sick. So, that afternoon, I texted my friend whom I hadn't seen in over a month. He wasn't up to much that night, so I went down to visit him for dinner and drinks around his way. A nice treat.

100% participation success for Job Shadow Day (for which I was able to increase staff volunteering by 20% this year).

$50,000 grant approval from a foundation.

Hanging out with 2 cool a$$, long-distance friends -- each, literally, on only hours notice.

Being able to do a favor for my bestest, even though it was a PITA! I love her, though. :-) It is a blessing to be a blessing.

Having fun on Superbowl Sunday with a lot of friends and laughs. Not to mention, winning a small wager. (Please don't mistake my intentions. I don't LIKE the Steelers. I simply respect them as a team. They represent the AFC well and their win only lends credibility to the Patriots' conference and schedule. Real recognizes real.)

Baby sis was (stalked) recruited by NPS for a gig in NC (and she hasn't even finished Ranger school, yet!). She'll be spending the summer on an ATV on some island off the coast of NC, keeping the vacationers in line and working with wildlife. How cool is that?!?! I'm kinda jealous!

I found some of the most comfortable S.teve M.adden's for only $30 on sale while doing some shopping. YAY! Aaaaaand, I found a cute, and very cheaply priced, eggplant bag! I love that color! Thank you A.ldo A.ccessories.

The parking at work started today. I even packed a gym bag last night and put it in my trunk so I'd have no excuse to avoid the gym. If I'm going to be paying through the nose to park at work and save time on my commute, I owe it to myself to get back into my gym routine. That's my compromise.

This life is crazy beautiful!

It's Friday!

2009-01-23T09:43:00.002-05:00

So glad the weekend is here! A few random thoughts this morning to share.

So, "The Plague"--I originally thought was just a bad chest cold/sore throat I couldn't shake--I found out is actually Bronchitis. Can I just say, C.odeine will help you get the best sleep of your life, ever!!! I can't wait to be able to sleep in, tomorrow!

I have 30 kids coming to the hospital next Friday for a job shadowing event. I'm looking forward to it.

College acceptance letters are rolling in for my Seniors. It's really exciting. And they all text me at night when they get home to update me. LOL

I have some really fantastic friends. I'm blessed with genuinely cool people in my life.

I cannot say it enough: Happiness is a choice. So, it's your responsibility. Make yourself happy; because, it's no one else's job to do so.

I am dying to see the new U.nderworld movie and S.lum.dog M.illionaire.

I'm loving the cop show saturation on tv as of late.

Dog-sitting in a house with ESPN makes me realize how much I miss PTI and SportsCenter.

I've said it before. I'll say it again. Men wearing skinny jeans is upsetting.

I miss the super-cheap liquor of college towns.

I want to move south.

I really want a Paradise Point smoothie from Tropical Smoothie Cafe.

And here's a Flashback Friday special for you. Shout out to the Shaw Brothers fans out there.

One More Quick Lesson

2009-01-20T19:02:00.003-05:00

learned on the commuter rail at 5:12 p.m., today:

God will punch you in your heart for doing something stupid. Something you know you had no business doing.

Thank you, Lord, for the reality check. Kryptonite is a muthafucka.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

Incorporating the Lessons

2009-01-20T12:46:00.003-05:00

After reading the little rant, below, it occurred to me that it may come across as angry. I have to share with you the fact that I'd already come to terms with what transpired, some time ago. I lived. I learned. I forgave and moved on. Was I angry (at the time) for being lied to, misguided and led on? Of course. But, you can't blame the heart for its desires, or lack thereof. I played an equal part in the jacked up situation, by settling for something less than what I deserved. For allowing him to get away with small things, the sum of which, I've realized, amount to the bigger picture. And, I wouldn't have dated him in the first place had he not treated me very well when we were together (lies aside because I wasn't aware of them at the time). He wasn't a terrible man, is all I'm saying.

I tried again last year. I thought things were going great with Sheriff. He was the one that introduced all the commitment stuff. He had EVERY f*cking thing on that list! So it seemed. But, he turned out to be a pu$$y. What can you do?

I'm incorporating some lessons from what I've learned over time. It's all you can do.

A couple of things I realized:

I'm tired of passive and indecisive cats. The ones that are like, "I'm cool with whatever," or "whatever you want to do, babe," when I ask what they want to do, or after I throw a couple options on the table. MAKE A DECISION! Why don't you come up with something? I'm also tired of cats that expect a woman to initiate all the damn intimacy. I am a woman! Can I get a man who wants to BE A MAN? Please? I'm not saying there won't be times when I want to be the boss. But sh*t. Can we get a mutual exchange? What about a man that will just do the chivalrous thing, like shovel out my car or take a big box down to the basement, without me having to ask, because it's what a man is supposed to do? What about a man who's actually stronger than I am, emotionally? Someone who's not going to cry at E.xtreme M.ake.over H.ome E.dition. Someone who can broach tough conversations and be blatantly honest because he realizes that not all women are boo-hoo emotional and shit? Or at least one who can listen to a non-escalated, calm-voiced breakdown of what he did wrong and a plan for moving forward, while actually looking me in the face, rather than at the fucking floor like a child getting scolded by his mama.

I have yet to meet a man like my uncle or my Abuelo. Men who were the leaders and the decision makers, yet were men who always took into consideration the best interest of both themselves and their partners (because they know they wouldn't be successful without their spouses). They protected and provided. They had the balls to do the right thing and to do right by the women who entrusted their lives and families to their hands. I'm not saying their relationships were conflict-free. The best relationships in this world encounter challenges. And, nobody's perfect. But damn. I have yet to meet a guy that really embodies the qualities they possessed. What the hell happened to the male species? Passive. Indecisive. Entitled. Enabled. Lazy. I'm not saying all men are like that. But, I've encountered far to many who are, to think it's just a fluke.

Anyway, that's all I got for now.

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-01-15T10:04:00.004-05:00

Seriously.

I was just reading 1969's post about her friend who was in a relationship with a guy she really liked. At first, they weren't looking for commitment, because they'd both recently got out of long-term relationships. After two years of seeing each other, enjoying each other's company, she was ready to take it to the next step by defining their relationship as exclusive. He did indicate he wasn't seeing anyone else. But, he didn't see the need to define their relationship. Essentially, the "if it ain't broke" excuse. Sixy's friend was strong enough to break it off and start the new year fresh and clean. I'm happy for her that she did.

See, I was in (what I later found out to be) the same situation with LT. He'd got divorced in April 2005. We met and started seeing each other in September 2005 when I'd moved to VA. Neither of us were looking for something serious as he'd recently been divorced and I had just ended things with Sandman in May, on top of the fact I was new to the area and wanted to explore my options. But, as luck would have it, we started spending a whole lotta time together and my feelings grew. He told me he wasn't seeing anyone else. So, I thought things were all good. He invited me home for Christmas 2005 and I met all his family and everything was great. We were acting like a couple. But, he refused to call us one. I was stupid and let it go on. I moved back to Boston in June 2006. We still saw each other. Things became strained in and around September 2006. (Thank God for the distraction of my old Gym Crush!) And then he totally wronged me at one point and we cut off all communication in December of 2006. Don't you know his ass was MARRIED by May of 2008? Less than 2 years after.

See, if a man is with you for a stretch and everything is gravy, yet he refuses to commit--it's because he doesn't want you, ultimately. He's just enjoying his time, with you, until he finds what he thinks he really wants. (I say "think" because LT's on his third wife at the age of 30.)

In retrospect, I know I was settling. I should have been smart enough to stand up for myself. I should have been smart enough to just tell him to "f*ck off" when the little girl he was sleeping with (and lied to me about) decided to cyberstalk me, investigate my MySpace page, find a link to my blog, read my blog, find my my old freelance web site on the blog, find the email on that freelance web site and write me. *rolling eyes* What a winner. (Man, hindsight is 20/20. He knows how to pick'em. I should have known to remove myself from that equation because I don't fall into that same trough of women he's chosen for himself in his life. I'll leave the stories about his ex-wives alone.) But nope. I'd exercised the gift of goodbye with many men, before. And I wanted to exercise forgiveness this time for a guy in whom I (was deluded enough) to have believed. My choice. My responsibility. My fault.

The funny thing is, I'm actually cool with the guy (Chief) who I met at the same time I met LT. I stopped seeing him after a short spell, because things with LT were growing. Chief was trying to make me his girl, from get-go! He wanted to do things one-on-one from jump, and having just moved to the area, I wasn't ready. He's still trying to see me, to this day. *insert floaty-heart emoticon here* Never married. No kids. Just as fine. WTF was I thinking?!?!

I made some stupid mistakes. But, you know what? I've learned from them. Everything happens for a reason. Had LT wanted to commit, I'd probably still be in VA and not here, loving the life, friends and career I currently have and the money I'm making. I'm wiser for all that has transpired, including about what I deserve, what I want and what I don't want. I'm only sad it took me this damn long!

We've made it too easy for men to just have their cake and eat it too--to the point they actually feel entitled to it. Stop the madness!!

Monday Madness

2009-01-12T15:27:00.004-05:00

Y'all, I think I had the plague or some sh*t. I never call in sick...ever. Seriously. The last time I called in was due to a piece of vertebrae breaking off and getting lodged in my spinal column against a nerve, for which I was heavily medicated and spent a week laid up in the bed (August 2007). Yet, I was out Thursday and Friday with something that took away my voice and my ability to do virtually anything, really, but lay in the bed and use up a box of tissue and two rolls of toilet paper for snot rags. I'm back at work, today, but am still battling the last of some chest congestion with a nasty ass caugh. UGH!

I finally scored some damn parking at work! If y'all ain't know, it's a precious commodity around these parts. It's expensive, but it's worth every penny -- being able to avoid the general public and their lack of personal responsibility with regard to public health (this nasty cold is evidence to the fact). Not to mention, not having to wait in subzero tempuratures for buses and trains that take their sweet a$$ time getting anywhere. OH yeah, and it will save me about 30 minutes on my commute, each way, too.

As if the foot of snow on the ground isn't enough, there will be 3 more opportunities for snow this week. Yes, three. Lord, get me the hell out of here! I love Boston with all my heart. But, this weather is no good for me!

I watched Pineapple Express this weekend. That sh*t had me ROLLING! Not quite as good as Superbad. But, funny as hell, nonetheless. "Y'all see that? (pointing to shaved armpits) That makes me aerodynamic when I fight." LMMFAO!

I have to say, I'm only glad the Giants lost because I'm tired of hearing all my NY transplant friends, the bangwagon "fans" that they are, talk sh*t about the Patriots. These mofos had nothing to say about football, nevermind The Giants, before they won last year's Superbowl. All of a sudden, they wanted to be caught wearing jersies and whatnot. Yeah, ok. I really only feel for 1969 and my frat, LourdHavMercy.

See, I came out of the womb a Patriots fan. I grew up less than a mile from (at the time) Sullivan Stadium. I was a fan when the Patriots sucked. We're talking serious losing seasons. I'm talking, making signs for games (back when tickets were cheap) like "Squish the Fish" and "Skin the Bears". Steve Grogan (ahem, a Big XII grad, btw), John Hanna, Andre Tippet, Ben Coates, you-name-it. And, Sundays with adults drinking beer and yelling at the tv in the family room. If the weather was good, we'd sit outside on the porch, BBQ-ing and listen to the game down the street, because we lived just that close. I went to school with Romeo Crennel's daughter, Christy. Walpole, MA, breeds football. And, it also happens to be home of a fair number of Patriots players and coaching staff, due to its proximity to the facilities and good school system. I've seen the Patriots change hands from the Sullivans to Kiam, to Orthwein to the Kraft family. I watched and cringed as Orthwein almost took our beloved Patriots to Saint Louis, and breathed a sigh of relief when Bog Kraft rescued them from the geezer's grubby little hands. I am a Patriots fan to the core and I can't stand people who talk sh*t when they have no concept of what it means to really have a love of the game.

So, to 196 and LourdHavMercy and anyone else with a sincere loyalty to their home team and a love of football, my heart goes out to you. I know what it feels like. Been there 100 times. To all the other wannabes, you can now take a seat and STFU.

Thanks, Management.

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-05T12:55:00.003-05:00

While I try not to wish time away, I am very glad that 2009 is here. 2008 was pretty tough. One uncle died unexpectedly from a heart attack. Another was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. My stepdad was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia and had a scary spell, but responded well (thankfully) to aggressive treatment at my hospital. My little cousin was killed in a car wreck. Two others were laid off due to the economy. One of my best friend's brothers was diagnosed and treated for testicular cancer, and now has developed stage 3 lung cancer. And, I got my heart pretty broken, again. (What else is new? I really am developing an immunity to this sh*t.)

The up-side? My uncle's passing brought me a little closer to my father and his side of the family. 2008 remained free and clear of any major back or kidney problems. My own organs are responding to treatment for a disorder. I was able to visit with my stepdad pretty often during my lunch breaks and after work, because he is treated here at my hospital. I got a raise at my annual review. And, for Christmas, my sisters and I successfully surprised our mom and her boyfriend with a nice flat panel LCD tv for the pool. She started crying when she saw it. (She's such a sap!) And, she's very excited to have it installed and be able to watch the Superbowl while floating around her pool. LOL! (That is, if she'll even bother watching it now that the Patriots are out, despite the 11-5 record with an active roster of otherwise bench-warming 2nd string because the majority of our playmakers have been injured for the better part of the season).

A couple of my married ex's were acting like stalkers (Mr. Big and the Ex. F). I had to tell them off, again. And, my now-married gym crush hit me up, as did (the also married) LT (both random, and thankfully, neither were really inappropriate). But seriously? I'm so over it.

I just wish the married cats would leave me the f*ck alone! I do not have "A$$HOLE" or "HOME-WRECKER" written on my forehead. You do not deserve me.

Anyway, 2009 will be better!! Totally and completely unattached to start off the new year. Kind of liberating.

Be well; Choose joy!

I'll Be Home for Christmas

2008-12-10T09:55:00.002-05:00

I cannot wait to go to Florida to see my Mama! Cocktails by the pool with the chiminea. Swimming on Christmas Eve day. My to-be brother-in-law, under the influence, molesting the floating Frosty. The bi-annual Covert Christmas Mission, where my sister, her man and I go on a mission to surprise my Mom with something nice.

Two years ago, Ma had just moved in to her new house. So, she didn't have much by way of Christmas decorations. The day after we arrived, she left early for work. We ran to the store shortly thereafter and bought up all the Christmas lights you could imagine. We came home and decorated the entire exterior of the house and the plants and palm trees in the front yard. ScubaSteve (sis' man) was up on the roof of the house like a crab, lining the top of the gutter, outlining the house. Sis and I were down doing the plants and trees. It was so awesome. It looked something akin to (although more tasteful than) National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. She was so stunned! The look on her face was classic

I'll share this year's surprise after I get back. ;-)

I'm excited to share a couple of new foods in my repertoire when I get down there, including candied yams and banana pudding (from scratch, not that plastic, instant sh*t!) Both came out really well at Thanksgiving weekend. I even do the merengue topping damn good and it browned perfectly when I made it. Let's just say the friend I'd made it for ate three quarters of it, before we went to dinner! Anyone pre-disposed to Diabetes should stay away from the yams. Whew!

I've been listening to Christmas music, for the last week, on the way to/from work. It has seriously reduced my road rage/lack of patience with sh*tty drivers. I just keep my eyes on the prize, looking forward to a relaxed holiday, where we focus on the important things.

My sisters and I forego gifts for one another and just all go in on something big for Ma. A couple years ago, we got her a big ol' grill for the back patio. She uses that thing all the time. Last year, since she was up here, we just gave her a honkin gift card so she could buy something she wanted. This year, her gift is part of the Covert Christmas Mission. Since Frick & Frack (sis and her man) fly in on Christmas Eve morning, it will be quite the adventure to get everything done by the time she comes home.

No crazy cold weather or suffering the ill habits of mad shoppers. No rat race or obligations. No overwhelming gatherings. Just a few people, a whole lotta love and some really great food and liquor. "I like it like that!"

Word to the Wise Wednesday

2008-11-19T12:18:00.000-05:00

People will hate you for being a stand-up person, no matter what. Just remember there is REST in self-respect.

Chewing with one's mouth open, and popping gum in public, are infringements upon civility that warrant severe punishment.

Happiness is owning the responsibility of choosing your perspective and disposition. People will also hate you for your ability to do that.

If you need to hear an uplifting message, putting one out there to others can have the same effect on you.

Late-night, grown-folks conversation can be a good distraction to help you rest better at night. (Hey, if you can't have it live and direct..)

You can never have enough of what you don't need; because, what you don't need will never satisfy you. (Let it marinate.)

To find something you've never found, you have to do something you've never done.

Adversity is only the blessing of opportunity to discover and appreciate our own strength and character.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-17T10:55:00.004-05:00

I am so glad I am the daughter my mother raised me to be. I am able to stand up, speak rightly and plainly, and tackle the uncomfortable conversations head-on. I fly high, like the free bird I am encouraged to be. I don't let assumptions afford the opportunity for misgivings. I ask clear questions and make constructive suggestions. I don't harbor grudges over misperceptions or situations I chose not to dissect.

Thankfully, it is only very rarely that others choose not to see my efforts as such.

I am a woman. I will approach you, as a woman.

If you can't handle that, then I'm sorry for you. But, I will not be your punching bag.

I choose my disposition.

A Dear John Letter

2008-11-12T12:16:00.004-05:00

received via work email at 6:43AM. That was a good laugh to start my morning.

Win some; lose some.

God is great for keeping my head right and offering clarity so soon.

My life will always be crazy beautiful.

Long Distance

2008-11-10T17:02:00.000-05:00

Blows.

I have a President, now.

2008-11-06T12:25:00.002-05:00

I honestly cannot think of words befitting this most monumental occasion in our lives. I almost feel as though trying to write about it would only trivialize it. But, I need to do this for myself to work out the thoughts in my head as it all seems so surreal. Coming from a military family whose servicemen and woman have served in WWII, Vietnam and the Iraq wars, it has been difficult for me to admit (although it's no secret) that I have had a love/hate relationship with the people of this country. But on the evening of Tuesday, November 4, 2008, I had never been more proud. I pray that this not only incites a shift in Americans' relationships with one another, but also with our fellow nations across the globe.

I've not managed to hold back tears a day since it's happened. And y'all know I don't cry for sh*t. I know a lot of white people just don't understand all the tears and shouts of joy from people of color across the country. Of course they don't. Our history has been their advantage their entire lives. But, I'm curious whether this event has sparked an subconscious shift in their perspectives of African Americans, and possibly, of people of color in general. That's the social scientist in me, I suppose.

I've never been one to believe the media is "liberal". Quite the contrary, really. And, while Obama ran the cleanest campaign in (at least) the 32 years I've been alive, I believe the media did help, for once. For once, I believe it saw the potential to highlight the good in a man whose life's work it's been to engage the disenfranchised and disillusioned -- a man whose life's work it's been to instill a sense of personal responsibility in participating in a process we now all have the right to use to voice our demands for representation. A man who understands that it is not right for the interests of the few to govern the welfare of the many.

I think this morning Matt Lauer and Tom Brokaw addressed a very real issue this presents. They discussed how people may misguidedly assume that racism is nonexistent in this country because of the fact we now have a black President. They spoke plainly about the fact that it is still a very real and evil presence in our society. We may have come far. But, we still have far to go.

While he will be hard faught by big business and wealthy interests, I believe the fact this man won by a landslide represents a change in American character and culture. Hopefully, this is an indication of the American majority understanding that we all deserve the opportunity to do well.

This was the first step. It's now time to put away the excuses. The real work starts now.

John Legend's Evolver

2008-10-31T12:34:00.004-04:00

So in love with this album! I've been excited about it since March, when I attended fundraiser for One Family, where he performed on stage, just himself and the piano, for a seated dinner group of about 500. He performed a few songs he'd just recorded for this album released Tuesday, including "Good Morning" and "If You're Out There". I actually enjoyed the accoustic version he did of "This Time" better than the album version with the synthesized accompaniment. But, it's a great song nonetheless. If only I hadn't been soured by the 100 times I've heard men talk the same sh*t only to disappoint in the end (ex. Mr. Big), I might be more in love with it. Mr. Big needs to listen to "It's Over".

A number of the album's songs appear to be the collective story of a man seeking forgiveness for his past and is trying to win back the love of his life. Between "This Time," "Cross The Line" a(a pop-ish best friends love song) and the near-tear-jerker "I Love, You Love," the album actually offers a little hope for those of us who desperately miss true romance in contemporary music. "No Other Love" and "Take Me Away" are the tropical infusions that make me sway.

The song, "Quickly", is kinda how I'm feeling. No big words yet or anything like that. It's early. I'm just catching feelings for him faster than I typically do with anyone. And, from the fact that he is so consistent with communicating the same to me, I'm pretty confident we're on the same page. It just feels good to have someone who you know thinks of you as often as you do of them, and who doesn't forget to tell you - and who's not such a pu$$y that he can't/won't admit it. So far, he's everything every other guy hasn't been.

No one can tell the future; nor are we promised one. But, I'm grateful for the present. That's for damn sure. Enjoy the weekend!

Voting

2008-10-30T13:19:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever been more scared about the possible outcome of an election. I am truly worried that Americans have not evolved far enough in their perspectives to take advantage of such an opportunity. It has been reported that there is now a record number of registered voters. But, we must be reminded that we live in a country where less than 50% of its eligible voters actually take responsibility for the governing of all of us. Shameful, in my opinion. Big business has led us down a scary path, not many of us the wiser because the system, until now, has enabled Americans to remain lazy with regard to civic engagement. The system shifted from rewarding hard workers to rewarding those cunning enough to manipulate profits for themselves for doing as little as possible. And, as long as we had home-ownership and employment rates in our favor, nobody cared. It didn't matter who was in office because so many of us just knew we'd be ok no matter what. So, why vote? And, on the other side of the coin, why vote when nobody represented your interests? Or, those of the marginalized groups to which you belong?

People typically fell into one of two categories: 1) those for whom representation was felt to be inconsequential; and 2) those for whom representation did not exist - the disenfranchised.

Sadly, people tend to vote based on their own best interest without taking into account what is for the greater good of all people. Take Massachusetts, for instance. Most people I speak to are completely unaware of the referenda posed on the upcoming ballot. Like many, they just don't understand that the local business of politics is what most directly affects their daily lives.

Question 1 on the ballot could eliminate the state income tax! How could you not know that this question is on the ballot? And, how could you not think through the potential ramifications of this question and feel the need to voice your opinion one way or the other? Now, as a full-time employed person with no children to educate, who does not own her own home but rents an apartment below market rate in a building owned outright by a family member, who receives fantastic healthcare and transportation benefits from her employer - I, personally, would stand to benefit from eliminating this tax in the short-term. However, I don't just think about my own short-term best interest when voting. I think about what would happen to the people of MA, those with children to educate (whose children would be placed in larger classrooms with less resources), who own their homes (where property taxes would increase and mortgages would become even more difficult to pay), who maybe have the government discounted health insurance plans because their employers don't offer good ones and who rely on cheap transportation to/from work. To take away 40% of the state's budget, with no plan included in the proposal to redistribute what's left, to make it more efficient, or to recover those funds in other ways -- I cannot vote yes.

Similarly, in this upcoming presidential election, I will be voting as the eldest daughter of a single mom who had to work 2 and 3 jobs at a time to put food on the table and keep us in the house we grew up in for 20 years. I will be voting as the eldest sister of a gay female war veteran who deserves the same rights and privileges as any of us. I will be voting as a teacher who doesn't aspire to have millions of dollars or to climb the corporate ladder, but who simply wants to work to help level the playing field for kids who ended up shafted. I will be voting as a teacher in the healthcare industry who sees first-hand the problems with the way things are and the fact that McCain's plan would only make quality healthcare less accessible for the majority of Americans. Only a small group of individuals in this country possess the majority of its wealth. To threaten that, by most elitist Republican standards, is considered "Communist" or "Socialist" or "Marxist", or whatever other falsification they want to throw at it.

What kills me is the self-proclaimed Republican "Christians" who are for McCain, claiming Obama is Muslim, or at the very least, not Christian. Maybe, if any of them had actually read the Bible, they'd be familiar with Acts 4: 32-37, which is the epitome of what the Christian community is to embody. Of course there needs to be accountability. There needs to be personal responsibility. But, as Christ would recognize, we are not all made with the same talents, abilities or intellect. And none of us should suffer reproach for that from which we are fundamentally created. We must account for the fact that we are all different and able in various ways. We need to account for ourselves, but also for one another.

She's back!

2008-10-29T13:37:00.003-04:00

Homecoming was such a blast! I am waiting on some photos from Melissa and am catching up at work. So, I'll work on the recap with pics for later this week/earlier next week.

But, can I just say that Sheriff is great?! He's such a good man and he's so f*ckin' sexy! Not to mention, he's there for me.

Mr. Big had the nerve to text me this weekend, "Still can't b friends?" Are you f'real? NO! We can't be friends. What on Earth makes you feel you deserve my friendship? You break my heart over and over again (which, of course, is partly my fault for allowing you to do so) and then you lie to me? About being married?! Trying to rope me into enabling you to cheat on your wife? WTF? The hell kind of "friendship" is that? Do us both a favor and let me go. It's been six years of pulling teeth with you. I deserve better and you know it. What part of "Let's end this," did you not understand? Needless to say, I did not respond.

I didn't get to see a couple of people I'd like to have seen at Homecoming. But, I traveled half-way across the country and let folks know of the plans. If they couldn't make a half-assed effort to just come out and see me somewhere -- their loss. I'm done bending over backwards to accommodate people who could care less about me.

'Til Next Week!

2008-10-22T11:25:00.002-04:00

I head out tomorrow, bright and early, for my Homecoming trip. I'm quite excited. I get to see my baby, too! But, I'm also trying to finish up some work and get out of here. So, I'm going to take the easy route and leave you with a few more videos to songs that made it on the playlist for the weekend.

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Missouri is the Midwest. And, in 1994, when these guys came on the scene, kids jumped on something finally representing them. Funny how eerily similar the venues in this video favor some of the neighborhoods in Columbia, Missouri.

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I remember listening to this, visiting my grandparents down in FL, driving Abuelo's new Mark VIII and feeling on top of the world.

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The GDI's had their own little stepshow with teams represending the different dorms. I remember the boys from Gillette Hall came out to this. So much fun.

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I could not find a video that showed folks getting down like we used to get down to this song at the campus greek parties. Well, maybe not the Zetas, because we're Finer Women and all. :-) Now, I'm not sure how I feel about this video, given the dynamics and all. But, the brothas got game.

Enjoy the weekend, folks! I'll be back with pics and a recap next week.

Happy Monday

2008-10-20T11:56:00.004-04:00

So the weekend was pretty chill for the most part. I was dog-sitting in the boonies with my two favorite yellow labs. (Sucky phone pic, sorry.)

The foliage has been absolutely spectacular lately. The weather? Glorious with a chill. It's been slightly cooler than I care for it to be. But, it's been super sunny the past few days. I was supposed to have dinner with my girls, Saturday. But, I had to help fam with some unpleasantries of passing. It actually ended up better than I anticipated, because the things we went through just brought back memories that made us laugh.

I talk to Sheriff a lot. I like it. Never thought I'd be one of those chicks to have the phone on my ear without saying a word. But, we do that, too. It's kinda therapeutic, actually -- to have someone there, next to you, when they can't actually be next to you. I don't know. It's growing on me. I know it's all new and sh*t. But, it's nice to have someone who never forgets to remind you how much they think of you.

He had a halloween event this weekend and he sent me some pictures. He went all out. And from the response he recounted, it sounds like it was worth it.

I get to see him Thursday on my way out to Kansas City. I arranged for a long layover at his airport so we can hang out for a bit, both on the way there and then on the way back, Monday. I'm looking forward to it. The weather looks a bit dodgy for Homecoming. But, Mel and I will have fun, nonetheless. We know how to make a good time, all the time, regardless. I have my camera and back-up batteries ready.

And, since you know you can always count on me for a funny:

Happy Monday.

Friday Rewind

2008-10-17T09:35:00.004-04:00

First, let me just say that when you pray to God for clarity, He will provide it. I had a great conversation with the Sheriff last night. I needed that. And I don't even know why I'm trippin'. This boy calls me morning, noon and night. And, were it anyone else, I'd be thoroughly turned off. But, with him, I love it. I really do.

Ok, back to the Friday Rewind. In anticipation of Homecoming (because I've resigned myself to the fact that I won't be able to stop thinking about it), Mel and I have been putting together a playlist for our trip. This playlist includes songs that were popular while we were in college and songs which prompt many shared memories. From 1994 - 1999, we were inseparable. "Boston and Melissa" - everybody knew. Or, as our radio names "Blue Eyes and Suavecita".

In surfing YouTube, I found a few videos for some of the songs on that playlist. Remenisce with Friday Rewind.

Disclaimer: For whatever reason, the embedding for some of the real videos has been disabled. So, a crappy alternative is provided. But, it's the song that counts.

I remember this song, vividly, at my first Que party, Freshman year at Memorial Union. They had a contest to see who could do it best. That would be where I met my first college boyfriend, an Omega who was up from Lincoln University for the weekend. Shouts out to Lil Pele. He knew how to treat a girl right.

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This song always got the ladies excited because it was the Kappa's theme song and everyone knew they'd hop into formation and start their party walking. I tell you - I still have not seen any Kappas more put together than those in Missouri.

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We can't mention greats of the 90s without mentioning this song.

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And then, of course, this was the very first song I heard on the radio, in the car, after I crossed on December 3, 1995. I will never, ever ever, forget that day.

I'm sure there will be more as I think of them.

Meh

2008-10-16T16:42:00.004-04:00

Why do people drag their feet? It's f*cking annoying!

Not exactly sure what to blog about, today. Tired of the debates. Tired of the economic crisis. I'm thinking too much about Homecoming. And I'm struggling with trust issues. After putting it all out there, I'm scared as sh*t to get hurt again for the millionth time. I really am. Maybe this is too soon? He doesn't give me the impression that he'd hurt me. Quite the contrary, really. He's a really good man. But, I guess I'm so accustomed to the hurt, I'm practically programmed to keep the wall up. How do I let that sh*t go?

And, of course, the day he leaves -- Church Boy (whom I've not seen in a year) just randomly stops by and rings my bell, talking about, "Hey! How have you been? I didn't have your number any more. But, I just wanted to check in." Dude! You don't have my number any more because I told you off after that stalking incident you committed last summer!

And then an old fling from NY texted me out of the blue, today. Haven't seen him in two years and hadn't spoken in about a year. I didn't even have his name in my phone. Had to ask him who it was that was hitting me up.

Chief emailed me, yesterday (after some incognito time), saying he returns to VA from deployment in December.

In the words of 1969, "What the FUDGE?"

Over.

A Ray of Light

2008-10-14T13:50:00.002-04:00

This weekend with The Sheriff was so fantastic, I don't want to jinx it by talking about it. After all the recent BS with a$$holes, I was ready to just give up. But, let's just say I spent some quality time with a really great man. I'm excited to see where it goes and what God has in store for us. For some reason, that song "Chante's Got a Man" has been playing in my head this morning.

My Missouri Tigers lost to Okie State on Saturday. I knew it would be a good game and that things would be more challenging once we entered conference play. But, a loss was bound to happen, eventually. We dropped to #11. But, we're still better than LSU at present. And, 6 of the Big XII teams are in the top 20. Thank you! I was proud when the commentators were talking about how they are liking the Big XII better than the SEC, lately. FINALLY! lol I will be rooting for the Tigers as we play #1 Texas this Saturday @ 8pm on ABC. We have quite the challenge ahead. But, I'll be sporting my black & gold no matter what. Next weekend? Homecoming!

Picking Up The Pieces

2008-10-07T12:40:00.002-04:00

This last week has been a blurr. All of the driving, the events, the family, the crying, the consoling. I haven't eaten much. I haven't slept much. I am back at work and trying to create some semblance of normalcy. The fact that my family has managed to still smile and still laugh, here and there, is encouraging. Sharing memories of the silly sh*t we got into as kids. Smiling is a sign of hope. It's reassurance that we will all get through this, especially my godmother. Even my grandmother, who's now lost her husband, her son and now her grandson, so tragically, all within the last 12 years, can still crack a joke or laugh at one. We will be ok. We are strong.

Marc's sister read the lyrics to "Can't Cry Hard Enough" (Williams Brothers) at the funeral mass in her eulogy. I've never heard anything more fitting, really. It was beautiful.

I'm trying to get back into the normal work routine. Even though after the whirlwind of last week, and my mother only leaving yesterday, I still have had no real time to myself, to be alone, to just take a step back and let everything sink in. To decompress. I'll be alright. I always am. But I just feel like I haven't had the chance to really BREATHE. I'm exhausted. I want to go to the gym. But, I haven't eaten enough or slept enough, such that I feel I might hurt myself or get sick since I feel my immune system is running a little low. I haven't had the time to go food shopping to even get food to eat right. What I have eaten this last week has been so sh*tty because it's all been on the fly for the most part. I even ate red meat - which I haven't eaten in I don't know how long. That put a hurting on me Sunday. I think I shall not go back.

I do have a couple of things to look forward to. Some distractions and chances at fun.

My annual Homecoming Tradition in a little over two weeks. Thursday - Monday. And, I even took that Tuesday off from work to recuperate. My friends and I have all made our plans. We get to see Common for $35 at a nice little auditorium. And we're all quite excited about the game, with Mizzou's record and their standings at present. It's a great day to be a Tiger. I tell you that. I watched the game against Nebraska Saturday night at my sister's house. 52-17 is a pretty decisive win, I'd say. They've scored 52 points or more in 4 of their last 5 games. Chase Daniel is a beast! This Saturday's contest against #17 Okie State should be a good one. Our general stats are virtually identical. However, we have a much better passing game and they have a much better rushing game. We'll see what that amounts to on the gridiron come Saturday night.

Oh, and the Sherriff comes to town for the long, holiday weekend in. . .

Things are looking up.

Inescapable Tragedy

2008-09-29T12:12:00.005-04:00

And then we were 9. My cousins and I are closer than most people are to their own siblings. May we find strength enough in faith, and in each other, to know that Marc is now in a perfect place. A place where he most certainly deserves to be. Free from earthly limit or human fallibility. Shining brightly in God's glory.

I have no words for what I feel, not even for myself, but for my aunt and uncle, losing their son. I just watched Reservation Road a couple of weeks ago. Except, early Saturday morning, he was 23 and driving home with friends he's had since he was six. The only one of the four that night to lose his life, dying in the arms of his best friend since kindergarten.

I can't do this any more. This horrible, unexpected and inescapable tragedy that plagues my family. I know we are strong. But there is no greater pain than to lose your own child. I can't watch my godmother go through this. Not after everyone else we've lost so devastatingly already.

My tears aren't the ones that deserve the attention or consoling. That's why I can't cry. I feel guilty for even feeling sad. I don't deserve the luxury of needing comfort when my godmother has lost her son.

A Routine

2008-09-26T10:21:00.004-04:00

So, with my new gym routine, it's actually rather easy to catch some prime time shows here and there. Work, Gym, Home (protein, shower, cook, eat, tv -- in that order). My place looks a mess by the end of the week. But, that's why I finally broke down and hired a housekeeper. And she is worth every penny! I struggled with some real guilt issues over it. Like, "I should be able to clean my own place." But listen. After working more than 40 hours per week, being at the gym another 10, cooking for myself all week (instead of eating out all the damn time) and trying to do everything else, the last thing I want to do when I have a few moments of free time is mop the floors or dust the woodwork. She dusts, mops, does my dishes, changes my sheets. Man, she even cleans the soap stuff off the shower caddy and cleans the inside of my fridge! It is so nice to come home and have the place smelling so fresh and clean. And, the fact that someone else is doing all this has me more conscious of keeping the place in order on a smaller scale.

But, back to tv.

Monday: DWTS
Cloris Leachman is a trip!!! I love that woman. I imagine my mom will be something like her when she's that age, after a few drinks of course. LOL I'm not exactly sure why they allowed a sex tape chick (Kardashian) on the show. A little tasteless if you ask me. But, she's only proving to more of the world that, despite a bangin' bod, she has absolutely no skills in the bedroom. LOL Leave it to Bruno, "You have more wasted assets than Fannie and Freddie Mac!" I love it!

Tuesday: Biggest Loser
I love this show. It keeps me reminded of why I'm doing what I'm doing. I haven't decided who my favorites are on this show just yet. I like purple mother/daughter team. I'm not sure how long they'll last. But, I guess they kinda remind me of me and my mom. They get along really well. Can you tell I miss her? :-)

Wednesday: Lipstick Jungle
I had never seen the show before. But, I can definitely see myself getting into it.

Thursday: Survivor
One of my high school friends is on this season's show: Dan Kay. He was just as hot in high school. I have the pictures and yearbook to prove it. I never followed the show before. But, I will this season to support him -- as far as he makes it, anyway! His team absolutely sucks. And, truthfully, I'd have expected him to step up a little earlier as a leader. But, I think he had some good insight about feeling his management style wouldn't be best suited to the group. If you're on the more emotional side of MBTI, it will only escalate conflicts in a survival type situation. I think he's right to want to fly under the radar a bit and be the silent leader. I know he had leadership skills in high school and he was a motivated guy to do well. I was admittedly a little frustrated on the exile island immunity clue. I'm like, "Dude! A crater is huge! Keep looking!" When they showed him looking in the water? UGH! LOL GC is a little b*tch. How are you going to say you're open to being the leader if people want you to be and accept the position, and then turn around to say people can't force you to be the leader and you're not going to do it? WTF? Are you f'real? On top of that, all his stupid little back-talk reminds me of some 8th grade you-ain't-my-daddy punk attitude. "I can say what I want. You can't tell me not to do something. You can't talk to me any old kinda way." BLAH BLAH BLAH! Grow the f*ck up. It's usually the people talking about how "grown" they are that have the most maturing to do.

Weekends in the fall are reserved for college football, New England Patriots football and Dateline. If I had cable, I'd probably watch TruTV all the damned time. LOL

Workout Schedule:
Mon: Abs Blast, Cardio Kickboxing
Tues: Abs Blast, Step Aerobics
Wed: Abs Blast, Total Muscle Conditioning
Thu: Off
Fri: Off
Sat: Abs Blast, Cardio Kickboxing, Total Muscle Conditioning
Sun: Abs Blast, Cardio Kickboxing

I have to get some more lifting in, somewhere. But, by the time kickboxing and step are over, I'm tired as sh*t! I will soon be investing in a few more sets of weights at home, though. I like the adjustable ones. Less space required.

Surrounding Myself

2008-09-23T16:44:00.003-04:00

As part of the lifestyle change, I'm working to surround myself with people conscious about srength, fitness, bodybuilding, etc. I guess I stopped feeling as though I belonged in the fitness community after college. After letting myself go, after losing a bit of who I was after some traumatic events. . I just kind of gave up.

I've tried several times to get back on the wagon, each time either a physical impediment or relationship impediment derailing me. Excuses. Excuses.

I'm changing my strategy a bit by working to surround myself with folks in the fitness community. By that, I mean I am working to surround myself with people that are conscious and active with their exercise, nutrition and lifestyles.

I went whitewater rafting a couple weeks ago and had an absolute blast. 12 miles on the Lehigh River in the Poconos. What an abs workout! I battled some rocks after getting tossed in the drink on a rapid. But, other than that, I felt great afterward.

I'm going hiking next weekend at this place called Noanet with a similar group of people.

I also joined BodyBuilding.com to again broaden the support network of fitness-minded individuals. After joining, I already had a bunch of people emailing their words of encouragement, offering ideas and suggestions for creating contingency plans for when the back goes out and how to build up my core to help prevent such instances to begin with.

I guess it's kind of like when you're looking to strengthen your spiritual self, or give up an addiction. You have to surround yourself with the people who are most able to help you achieve your goals and who won't derail you just by being who they are and interacting with you in the way they are accustomed. I never looked at it that way, before. BB has this great tool where you can track your progress by uploading photos, entering your stats (inches, pounds, etc.) and workout plans. It graphs everything out for you. It also has tons of workout plan suggestions based on particular criteria you enter. It also has videos and photos of the proper forms of about a bazillion exercises/lifting options. In the short time I've been on it, I've already found it to be a great resource.

I deserve to give myself the time, the care and the opportunity.

I Feel Great

2008-09-22T09:47:00.003-04:00

I only left my house to go to the gym and do food shopping this weekend. It was quite relaxing.

Friday night, I did six loads of laundry back-to-back. (When you work out 5 times/week, you go through a lot of laundry. Even when you own >50 pair of panties, the supply dwindles after a couple weeks. )

Saturday morning, I woke up at 8 and hit the gym for three (yes 3) classes: Ab Blast, Cardio Kickboxing and a Total Muscle Conditioning class. 2.5 hours of sweating my a$$ off. Needless to say, I could barely walk when I left. BUT! Don't you know, as I was passing the front counter with the buddies I've made from class, I beheld a rather exquisite creation favoring my old Gym Crush in VA? Big, bald and inked out. Just like I like 'em. It will be nice to have some eye candy around.

I took a long, hot shower and dressed to go do some grocery shopping. I came back and watched college football. I'm happy to report #5 Missouri is 4-0 and has scored more than 40 points in each game. Granted, the schools have been weak. But, the rest of our season will be conference games where we can prove ourselves. A conference that is finally getting the credit it deserves in the eyes of the pros. Even the commentators are now giving the 2007 Big XII Offensive Player of the Year, Chase Daniel, more props, passing over 400ypg the last couple games and setting a new Big XII record with 20 consecutive completions against Buffalo this week. Thank you very much. Hey, it's tough out here in a land where everyone sweats SEC and ACC (like they actually went to the damn schools).

Sunday morning, I got my butt out of bed at 8 and hit the gym for another set of ab blast and kickboxing classes. They only had yoga after that, so I didn't stay.

I came home, drank my protein shake and took a long, hot bath and listened to Kenny Lattimore and Chante Moore do their thing on their old duet album. I made some lunch and sat down to watch the Pats fail miserably against the Dolphins. The f*cking Dolphins? Are you serious? Of course, I didn't feel too badly after half the teams I would have bet on--lost (Steelers, Colts, Saints). It was a strange weekend in football. Bellichick should have put in O'Connell, the SDSU rookie, at half-time instead of the last six minutes of the 4th.

I did venture up the street to my aunt's for Monte Cristo sandwiches and some HGTV for a couple hours.

In the last seven weeks, I haven't lost many pounds at all. But, I've lost 24 inches off my body. I'm kicking higher and with greater ease in kickboxing. I find myself picking up the intensity, rather than wondering when I'll take my next drink of water. I'm back in the clothes I haven't been able to wear in over a year. I'll measure myself in another month and see how I'm doing. I just gotta keep it up.

Happy Monday!

What Next? And a Friday Funny

2008-09-19T10:12:00.006-04:00

Newsflash: Mr. Big got married and didn't even tell me. We'd been getting together here and there. . including in July. And he got married in AUGUST! WTF?! Seriously? What does that make me?! I'm so over men. AND even in the course of the conversation I had with him about it, he's still trying to "do lunch". Are you f*cking serious? The fact that half of my now-married ex's are still trying to get at me only deteriorates any faith I have left in the male species. I am not a home-wrecker. What the hell? Please understand, I'm glad they saved ME from having to deal with the heartache of being their spouse. They and I knew I was too good to deal with whatever hell they were creating. So, they found someone who would put up with them. But, this one really threw me for a loop. I really think I'm giving up. I know it's not my fault. I had no idea. He lied. But, I can't help but deal with some major guilt issues right now. Not to mention the fact that I have to question myself about whatever it is I may have done, or however I've carried myself, such that these guys think that I might actually be down to play the sidelines? WTF?! Sooooo disillusioned.

Things with Ghost Rider went the way of the 8-track quicker than a train wreck. And that's ok. The fact that I have no feelings over it one way or the other probably speaks to the fact that it wasn't meant to be. That, or I'm just becoming one of those cliche b*tches who's dealt with too much hurt to even bother trying any more.

Anyway, I'd rather start the weekend off on a positive note (or try to). I figured I'd leave you with a funny for Friday.

This is an oldie but a goodie.

Business Time

What Can I Say?

2008-09-11T16:12:00.003-04:00

Jesus, it's been a long, strange trip. Work keeps me tremendously busy. And, while I could do without all the pomp and circumstance, the late nights thinking about sh*t I need to get done, the administrative crap, the schmoozing and all the friggin paperwork, I love it. I absolutely love it. Being able to give 53 students the chance to work full time for 8 weeks, earn money and be exposed to not only the biggest industry in Boston, but to college - priceless. Giving out $15,000 in scholarship money to 4 kids who beat odds just by graduating and are enrolled in college? Fantastic. Taking 40 high school kids on six college tours and college prep workshops? Oh yes. And to be able to do it all at the place I have loved working for 5 years now. . . f*cking great. Oh yeah, and the fact that I start earning vaca at 4 weeks per year next month helps, too (or, it would if I actually had the time to take it!).

The health is good as far as we know. BIIIIIIIIG shouts to BluJewel for keeping me in her thoughts and prayers, so much so she called and wrote. I didn't even deserve it because I was a sh*thead and just never got around to being responsive. You helped more than you know, just by making sure I knew you were there. I love you. Fa'real. My back is doing well. I'm in cardio kickboxing 4 times per week. I'm losing weight and am making more of a consistent effort than I ever have before. I. Have. To. Do. This. My back. My f*ckin maniscus (or however the hell you spell that bullsh*t). My blood pressure. WTF was I doing to myself? I've been "food sober" for 2 months and am loving it.

I've been camping down in Blue Spring State Park in FL with mom dukes. I'm going whitewater rafting in the Poconos this weekend. I'm (of course) headed to Mizzou next month for my annual Homecoming trip. Mel, J and I already have everything mapped out for that 48-hour stretch of debauchery.

As for the men, I still have my ADD.

I'm keeping my a$$ in the gym and my money in the bank for now. On top of doing kickboxing 4 times/week, I am lifting. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will just be bulky. I was 170lbs of diesel in high school. And, while I don't think I'll ever get back to being in such good shape, I will just have to accept the fact that my genes are muscl-ey (under all the fat that I'm trying to get rid of that is, lol).

I'm going to try and get back to dropping in on this place and talking about what's new and wrong with the world. It appears there's quite a bit, lately! Too much fodder for smart-a$$-ness!

A Guilty Pleasure

2008-04-07T14:57:00.001-04:00

I don't care what anyone says. This dude makes me laugh.

Updates

2008-04-07T12:49:00.002-04:00

Biopsy 1: Negative! The doc seemed pretty confident about that one. And, she was right. Big shouts to BluJewel for sticking by me and keeping me in her prayers and sending me massively encouraging texts. They work! Still gotta do the "watchful waiting" on the other stuff. More ultrasounds. BLAH! But, this is a good sign. I'm taking it that way, anyway.

So, remember how 4 of the guys from my past are married or engaged? Yeah, well LT (of all people!) is now getting married, too! Seriously, this all has to be a joke. It's only been like a year and a half since we called it quits shortly after his return from deployment to Lebanon. Talk about fast! LOL At least someone was able to get at his heart. I'm glad they're happy, though. That's all that matters.

Friday, I fell asleep on my big chair, watching television, at 8:30pm. I somehow crawled into bed (don't remember how) and did not wake up until 10am, Saturday! My body is definitely telling me to slow down. I'm forever being asked how I do it all. Well, I do it at the expense of my own well-being. It's like you have a certain "wellness savings". The more you exert yourself without caring for yourself, the more you borrow from your wellness savings. With work running my a$$ ragged, lately, my wellness savings is just about depleted. My back has been irritating me again. Fortunately, not to the degree of last August or November. But, it just seems that I can't shake it. The cortisone shot was great for a LONG time. But, I don't want to resort to that with any regularity, lest my face blow up like Kathleen Turner. Yikes!

Church on Sunday was awesome and very necessary. Some things were spoken to my heart on which I need to take action.

Right now, for me, I need to back up, back off and make life a little more simple.

Movies

2008-04-03T12:33:00.004-04:00

So, y'all know I don't have cable. I refuse to pay to have the devil (Comcast)--how do you do that strikethrough text?-- in my home. Until RCN, or some other reasonable entity sets up shop in my area, I will continue to pimp the sh*t out of Netflix. We have an intimate relationship as of late. As such, I've caught quite a few good movies. Here are a few:

No Country for Old Men
(Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem (sp), guy from Cheers)
Loved it! Coen Bros have a classic on their hands. Creeped me out. Kept me on edge in parts. It leaves you open. You're perplexed by Bardem's character. I love his accent.

Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford
(Brad Pitt, Casey Affleck)
Absolutely phenomenal acting. Affleck kept you uneasy with his uncomfortable personality, the entire film. His character annoys you. Pitt kept you on edge because of his character. It was a little too long, though. 2.5 hours. A little slow in parts. But, again, the acting was intense.

In the Valley of Ellah
(Tomme Lee Jones, Susan Sarandon, Charlize Theron)
It was a solid flick. How the military dicked this family around on the investigation of their son's disappearance upon return from Iraq. If at all interested in the dealings of military families - it's a must-see because it brings to light challenges of recent veterans adjusting. The ending is not what you think it would be. Theron's kinda weak. I like the relationship between Sarandon (wife) and Jones (husband). Keeps it kinda real, although we only are able to catch superficial glimpses. I think that could have been developed a little more.

Rendition
(Jake Gylenhall (sp) - you know, brokeback guy, Reese Witherspoon)
Excellent flick. Witherspoon's husband is kidnapped by the CIA and taken to Egypt for questioning about his involvement in a bombing there. Dude is the average assimilated, accomplished immigrant who arrived in his teens. It's based on true events. It pisses you off. And again, makes you think of the toll this BS takes on families and the people that do this work.

Good Luck Charlotte?

2008-04-01T11:26:00.002-04:00

So, it's been a really long f*ckin' time since I last wrote. I don't imagine anyone reads this any more. But, I guess it's time for me to make the effort. Let's see if I can sum up the last month or two right quick.

Work
Work is mad busy. It's challenging and I love it. I am constantly on the grind. I have meetings out the wah-zoo. I have functions to attend on a regular basis (some of them being soooo worth it - like getting to see John Legend next week). The one-on-one time with the kids is what's most rewarding. Meeting new people is always good, too. I've done a lot of that, lately. The hours are crazy. I have over 3 weeks of vaca time banked and there's no time in sight to take it at the moment. J and I are thinking of doing a week or two somewhere tropical in the winter.

Special Dark broke my heart in February.
He was a wonderful friend for about a year. And, when feelings don't match up, it usually goes bad. He was great for the most part. But, he was a straight a$$hole in his dealings with one particular situation and then went ghost on me. Not a word. I didn't call or write. He owned that. And I'm done putting myself out there. *sigh* This right after me carting his arse around God's green Earth and letting him stay with me for the better almost a week for his residency interviews. Oh well. At least I did a good thing for someone and I learned a tremendous amount about myself through my interactions with him. Live, love and move on.

Biopsies
Had one of the two last week. The coolest thing ever was that they had the video from the scope feeding to this tv screen so I could see them working inside me!! The procedure, itself, wasn't exactly fun. But, the doc was confident that things looked ok in that area. I should have results in a few days. We'll do some more watchful waiting on the other stuff and see how it goes. But, I feel good. So, that's most important.

Irony
So, we all know that the course of my life can be summed up with a couple of phrases. "Irony" being one, "bad timing" being another. Of course, and most importantly, "crazy beautiful." But, irony is:
...when 3 men from your past all get married within the last year. AND, another is now engaged. Vamps was like, "Well damn! Maybe if I sleep with you, I'll find a husband!"

Family
I have a new niece! Her name is Faith. 8lbs 2oz. Born yesterday afternoon. She's beautiful--looks just like her Abuela. Of course, between her and everyone else I know who's prego, I get that itch. Hopefully, I'll be able to pop one out after this other issue is squared away.

Anyway, that's the haps folks. I look forward to catching up on all of your lives.

BZ's 2008 Probowl Pics: Offense

2008-02-06T13:03:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: Based purely upon appearance. Some of the photos aren't that great, for lack of available options and time to search further. Oh, and OL's are generally unattractive to me. So, I didn't include them. This is my fantasy team!

Tom Brady, #12 New England Patriots: Quarterback

Osi Umeniyora, #72 New York Football Giants: Defensive End (Trust me, he's handsome.)

Eddie George, Former #27 Tennesee Titans: Running Back

Reggie Bush, #25 New Orleans Saints: Running Back

Hines Ward, #86 Pittsburgh Steelers: Wide Receiver

James Thrash, #83 Washington Redskins, Wide Receiver

Christian Fauria, #86 Carolina Panthers, Tight End

Super Tuesday

2008-02-05T09:08:00.000-05:00

Football week will continue tomorrow.

Today, I urge you to take responsibility for yourself and your voice in the future of this country. You live here. You work here. You're priveledged just because of that. Do your damned job. VOTE. I don't care whom you vote for. Just turn the f*ckin' tv off, get your ass out of your chair, and fulfill at least one responsibility in your life, today.

I'm going for Obama. Management (the technical sh*t) is and can be learned. Leadership is intrinsic. Either you have that, or you don't.

I'm going for Obama.

Any Given Sunday

2008-02-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

"On my call a pack or clan snaps, collapsed was the mandatory maze
when the bluest ribbons yield their glory day
Desire on the opposite circuit and glorious days
Is glorious hazes of gray spun through my array of operation
Slave to idiot box revalations"
Aesop Rock, Wake Up Call

Congrats to the New York Football Giants for making this Superbowl the stuff of legendary games. They were fast. They were passionate. They made it happen. Even as a Patriots fan, yet moreover a football fan, I can appreciate the cinderella story. The champion underdog. A great show.

I will say that I believe Eli Manning is undeserving of the MVP award. Offense for offense, the Giants are lackluster. Average. Unremarkable. However, the defensive line is what hurled them past each playoff game and is what stifled our offense, kept Brady on the ground and the ball in Giants hands for as long as it was there. Had Manning been that talented, they'd have capitalized more on such lengthy possessions. Had their offensive line been remotely close to its defense in ability, they'd have done better than just a Wild Card entry into the playoff season. They wouldn't have been such the underdog.

I have always said the Patriots' weakness (one of them), is their speed--or lack thereof. We take our offensive line for granted and Brady has become accustomed to entirely too much time after the snap. We are slow. If the G-men can chase plays from behind (which is exactly what they did in Week 17 and we, apprently, learned nothing from that), we are too slow. I'd have our offensive line running timed suicide sprints up and down the field all off-season. That is an embarassment. But, yet in still, a credit to the Giants defense. Eli should forfeit his salary and trophy to them.

I can even say that the Patriots did not look half as enthused as the Giants, starting out the gate. I believe they forgot what it's like to lose. They forgot what it's like to have to get scrappy to overcome the odds. They, overall, are just that good. And, on any given Sunday, as soon as you lose that passion, as soon as you stop playing your heart out each and every minute of those 60 on the gridiron, you can fall. And, fall they did. My heart goes out especially to Seau, Moss and Welker - newbies on the block that came into their own, finally on a team that complimented their ability. When has anyone ever seen Moss as happy and humble as he's been (for Moss, let's face it) with the New England Patriots? Never.

Well done is better than well said. Very true. And, despite the fact that Burress, and most of the rest of the G-men, sound like Bruh Man from the fif flo, they handled their business. I respect their gangsta.

This week is football week. I will post on Fanmanship Infractions (i.e. pink jerseys, etc.) and BZ's own ProBowl Pics (based purely on looks).

Welcome to Monday.

Life, Interrupted

2008-01-29T10:31:00.000-05:00

So, the wake for my uncle was Sunday and the funeral, yesterday. While hanging out with the family in-between wake sessions and after the funeral, we got to remeniscing, talking about all kinds of memories. Special Agent H was in the army during Vietnam, along with my father. From there, he served as an Army Intelligence Officer in Germany for a number of years. He was then recruited to become one of the first agents for the newly created DEA. He moved around a lot, including to foreign countries. And in the midst of it all, he managed to marry a great wife and have three fantastic sons. In his 65 years, he's seen more crazy sh*t live than most existing generations combined, from Vietnam to covert foreign operations to Mafia shakedowns to drug busts. And, I've never seen, even on tv, more agents in one place than I have this weekend! Suits galore, sporting badges and pins all over. There were all kinds of pictures of him at the wake -- he and his team in front of a line of helos, decked out in SWAT-looking attire; he with his brothers (my father included); him, retired, sitting at the kitchen table doing his house projects--glasses and all. Him with the kids, with the dogs, with me as a baby. It was at his house that I learned about GI Joe, ping-pong and Atari. He and my father being hockey players, it was with my cousins that I learned how to play with boys. And man, they were a hell of a lot more fun than my sisters! He was a good guy. The guy that would help you out in whatever way needed. And, a guy that firmly believed, like his father, that most of everything could be fixed with duct tape.

I'm mostly sad for my cousins who are close to me in age. Sad that they'll be responsible for their mother's care before having the chance to start lives of their own. Sad that my aunt lost her soul mate, her teammate and best friend.

Like my aunt N (who lost her husband 5 years ago, with 3 teenagers on her hands), said: It won't be easy. But, it will get easier over time. Life is just interrupted for a while. You get back to it sooner or later.

Is there more?

2008-01-24T17:16:00.001-05:00

So, yesterday, I find out about 5.0 and the IED explosion. Today, my uncle passed away. Today, I also found out Infielder's dad passed away. And, I have a voicemail this afternoon from the admin of the Oncologist asking me to call her back so we can schedule a surgery--different from the biopsy altogether--within the next week (when, after my appointment, I understood that surgery they told me I needed was no rush and that I'd have one more ultrasound a month from now before even getting surgery on the books). Now I can't get a hold of the b*tch cuz she doesn't answer her phone. You have to leave a voicemail and she calls you back when she has time. And, I can't just go home after work and go to sleep like I usually care to do on days like this. I have have a board meeting this evening and I probably won't get home 'til 10. My scalp is driving me nuts because I need to wash my hair, yet haven't had the time to do that and all it entails. My nail tech cut my finger yesterday and the sh*t stings every time I wash my hands. And, where do I work? Right. A hospital -- where one washes her hands at least 20 times a day!

I really want to scream. Anger, fear, pity, sadness, frustration. All in one day. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?

Say a Prayer

2008-01-23T16:16:00.000-05:00

I talked to 5.0, today. I was just thinking about him this morning, as I hadn't heard from him since Sunday. We've been communicating daily, lately.

It turns out his truck was hit by a roadside IED. Praise God that no one sustained life-threatening injuries. However, since the gas tank was hit and blew, several sustained bad burns and hearing loss. They're recovering at some med set-up out there. Not sure who's coming home, if anyone. They're scheduled to be out there until August 2008. So, we'll see.

These guys are reservists. Some of them were even stop-lossed when their unit was activated in May. Imagine being some regular Jose Tradesman, scheduled to separate, having fulfilled your weekend warrior commitment to the government, and then having them tell you, "You've been stop-lossed. You're going to Iraq." And then, on top of that, getting blown up. Sadly, many have it far worse than that.

I'm angry right now. This is the type of sh*t that makes me say, "F*ck 'em all. Let them kill each other off." You can't send people, from a culture that mainly regards life as precious, into an area where they are outnumbered by people with no such regard. It's not our place. You can't send them to keep peace, where there is none. When people joining the Iraqi army under the guise of sincerity are then found planting bombs on the trucks of the US Army. This is the stuff that makes me want to toss up my hands and say, "Population control. F*ck 'em."

We don't belong there. Bush and his thinly veiled manifest destiny mission can kiss my ass. We don't need the world as our sphere of influence.

Whew!

2008-01-22T14:11:00.000-05:00

Damn, it's been a minute since I've posted. Life is lovely for the most part. Got hit in the head, hard, on Thursday night with the evidence that some sh*t just isn't for me. If you know what you want and are ready for it, never give your feelings to anyone who doesn't and isn't. And, if s/he disrespects you by ignoring your wishes, s/he ain't worth the trouble. I thought I learned that lesson already. But, I never said I wasn't stubborn. LOL Oh well! I'm over it.

MedSchoolFriends surprisingly hit me up just in the nick of time to take my attention away from being mad at myself. He's not really "in the picture." But, I ain't change my number, either. So, he still has a way to get a hold of me. I'm grateful he did.

Anyone who's ever read this blog knows that God is most certainly on my side when it comes to my feelings getting hurt. Maybe that's why I don't have to display them that often. :-) I am a rock!

My BFF J also hit me up. He wants to do two trips together this year. We'll do Chicago for a long weekend mid-year. And then he was talking about a tropical getaway for 2 weeks at year's end. Works for me!

Last Wednesday was my Sorority's Founders' Day. I went to dinner with about thirty Zetas. It was such a beautiful thing. As the eldest of the group, I was so impressed with the vitatlity and dedication these young women bring to the table. I'm actually a chartering member of the chapter

I spent the weekend babysitting two 10-year old girls. Holy crap, kids are talkative! We went shopping. Went to see Alvin & The Chipmunks and saw my boy in the movie! Scene came on and I was like, "Yo, I know that guy." Shouts out to Classic! We ate out everywhere. Went to the arcade. I got the "Best Babysitter Ever" award. Yay me!

Managed to stay up to watch the games on Sunday. And, 1969 - Good Luck at The Superbowl! Considering the G-men gave us a run for our money in Week 17, this may just be one hell of a contest. That is, unless the Pats actually play up to their ability. :-P

Work is great. Mad busy. But great.

Bougie's new branch is having a grand opening and she invited me to come through tonight. That should be fun.

A lame update, but at least I'm alive! Hope you all enjoyed your weekends!

Gonna Let it Shine

2008-01-10T13:43:00.000-05:00

So, I took yesterday's post down because I only let the negative get to me for so long. I had a good visit with the doc and we're going to do a little more watchful waiting. Had some more unpleasant procedure/exams. UGH!

I don't like the waiting part. But, I have to have some more tests and then we'll go from there. I'm really glad that she thinks it's more likely something else, rather than the big C. I hate conflicting opinions because, really, it gets you nowhere in your head on how to prepare. But, she's more specialized than the other guy. So, that helps my nerves. More of that, "We'll see," crap, though. Oh well.

On to brighter things. Saturday is dinner with the girls and then The Patriots game!!! Very much looking forward to that.

I enrolled in scripture classes at church. To become involved in any of the ministries on the committee level, you have to have graduated from a couple of scripture courses. So, that's what I'm doing. I've volunteered at a number of events over the last few years and would really like to have a say in the diretion of some of them. So, that is coming along.

Not much else going on.

The Outlook

2008-01-07T12:22:00.000-05:00

At this Sunday's service, the first Sunday of the year, Bishop and his wife had all the married couples come to the altar and renew their vows. There were about 30 couples in this service, a few of which had been married for over 40 years. Being the 3rd (and latest) service of the day, it's mostly younger folks in attendance. Some with young children in their arms. They held each others' hands and looked at one another while repeating after Bishop. It was beautiful.

The rest of the service related to marriage and what must be discussed prior to marriage and continually discussed through marriage (commitment to Christ, finances, children, sex, etc.), as well as what helps to be practiced regularly (daily talks, weekly date nights, quarterly getaways, etc). And, to always remember and practice: acceptance, admiration and appreciation, the sum of which is affirmation. Bishop was too funny. Talking about, "And when you go away for those quarterly trips, husbands, pack your wives' bags so that you can make sure she has that teddy you like." LMAO! Sister T (his wife), was saying, "Go away for at least one night per quarter to a hotel somewhere. You need the alone time to get reacquainted and have some uninterrupted time with one another to talk..." Bishop interrupted her and said, "Talk? We can talk on the way to the hotel. We ain't talking once we're in the hotel." I'm telling you, I was at Christian Comic View! Let me say that they have been married for 41 years this February and have 8 children, all of whom are saved, college educated, and involved in church. They have 15 grandchildren, too. I love hearing them talk. They are an inspiration. Not to mention, they are such annointed preachers! Every Sunday I attend, I leave church feeling 10x better than I did when I entered.

It was an uplifting service the word of which was something I needed to hear as I work to position myself to settle down. Next week, the word will be directed toward the singles of the congregation. I'm looking forward to that.

While I work to stave off resolutions, I have somewhat decided to make a couple of goals, not focusing on lack, but rather increase. Increasing my involvement with church is something I definitely want to do. In order to do that, I need to finish my scripture classes there. So, that's what I'll be working on.

Also, instead of so many domestic trips this year, I want to do something overseas. I haven't done an overseas trip since 2003 (in which I did 3). I'll still do Homecoming--no question. But, I'm thinking a girls' getaway to Fiji or St. Barth's. Something remote.

FYI: G. Garvin's book, "Make it Super Simple" will be released on February 5.

And yes, Organized, it was a blessing meeting you in person in 2007! LOL I'm glad we had the chance to hang. I hope to meet BluJewel and a few others in 2008!

reflexion de l'anee

2008-01-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

I tend to stave off the resolution thing and, instead, reflect on my accomplishments in the year past. Where am I now, versus a year ago? What have I done? What do I have now that I did not, before? I find that focusing on the positive--on the harvest--is far more pleasant than focusing on the want, or on the empty, i.e. what's not there. To focus on the wealth, I find, helps grow it even further in the year to come.

2007 has been a year of tremendous blessing.

I made it through another year alive, happy and fulfilled.

I now have more beautiful, real and down-to-earth female friendships than I've ever had before. It has been truly uplifting and has enriched my life immeasurably.

I made several domestic trips, including some to North Carolina, Virginia, Missouri and Connecticut--all for pleasure.

I got a promotion and am now doing a job I'm meant to do at a place I absolutely love, making a little more money.

I, now living very close to family, have an even stronger relationship with my Abuela, my aunt and my cousins. We were tight before, but we're tighter now.

I lost almost 30 pounds.

I've read 10 books.

I actually asked for help and took it when I hurt my back in August.

I told a man I loved him. Of course he doesn't feel the same. But, I remained at peace and continued to make myself happy.

I got my sister back from Iraq, safe and sound. And, we are even stronger together now than we were before she left.

I cleaned house, emptied the stables, gave up the back ups and am now starting from Ground Zero. Totally single and alone. While challenging, it is, at the same time, liberating and peaceful.

I bought a beautiful bookcase that holds almost all my books.

I dined at some of Boston's top restaurants and have consumed some of the most divine cuisine in my life.

And, in keeping with my crazy beautiful life: I drank a lot. At times, had a lot of sex. Laughed tons. And, I even helped a lot of people.

Ain't life grand?!

A Christmas Reflection-Delayed

2008-01-03T11:01:00.000-05:00

As I sat in my house on Christmas Day, relaxing after a festive evening and a filling brunch, I started to wonder about what I felt was missing from Christmas. I don't mean how commercialism has shot to hell any meaning of the holiday. We all know it has. But, I wondered more about why it has seemed to be more difficult to remain in the spirit and why I don't get quite as excited about the holidays as I used to. Why they seem to fly by faster than the Acela. Sure, part of it is the rude shoppers, the harried commutes, trains filled with oblivious tourists, bad drivers, etc. All of that makes it tough enough to achieve the spirit. But, still, that wasn't it.

And then it dawned on me. The grandkids in my family, my generation, are now all grown. The youngest of us is 16, and a very mature 16 at that. I'm the eldest at 31. There are no babies. No little ones. No children in whom we can see the real spirit, that genuine faith and excitement, the anticipation. No one through whom we can live vicariously while watching Christmas specials together, singing songs in the car distracting ourselves from traffic, or even just while opening presents.

I am a holiday geek. And, I love Christmas movies. But, it's just not the same. You get excited because the kids get excited. You smile because you know they are happy. Witnessing the excitement of a 4-year old wading through an ocean of presents, tearing through wrapping paper, pieces flying overhead, as he does the "Yes!" arm pull, like Napoleon Dynamite, is the best feeling ever! The fact that they don't know it came from you doesn't even matter because it's that spark--that unadultered joy--that is gift enough just to witness. Really, the fact they don't know it's from you, is like the best part! Because the reaction is so honest. You know exactly how they feel. Not needing the credit for doing good is really what acting on faith is about.

I guess I can't blame my fam for hassling me about popping out some spawn. Maybe they've been hip to this revelation for a while now.

FOOTBALL

2008-01-02T10:45:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year!

To 1969: Girl, your Giants sure did give us a run for our money on Saturday! I suppose it was about time someone made us earn our money. I bit my nails so far down, I had to go get them done on Monday. I cannot convey accurately the amount of profanity that spewed from my lips. I have always said our weakness is our speed (or lack thereof). And, the fact the Giants can chase plays from behind--and get there--just proves my point. We need to hustle more after the snap. And, Liz, you know I was thinking the same thing about the steroids! LOL Congrats to my Pats on an unblemished season. I'm just hoping that they can pull off the big win in the end. I am almost sad that they have the week off. I will miss them. I'm excited to gear up for the playoffs, but am sad that the season is almost over. Life just isn't the same without football. *sigh*

Congratulations to my Missouri Tigers for whooping that Razorback a$$, yesterday! 38-7 had them looking like my Patriots, with better turnover recovery! Tony Temple rushed for 281 yards, the most ever in Cotton Bowl history. He also had 4 touchdowns, putting Arkensas' McFadden to shame. Both Temple and Daniel have submitted papers to see where they might go in the NFL Draft. However, both have indicated it's likely they'll return to Mizzou next year to hone their skills and position themselves for a better pick next year. Mizzou will be blessed to have them again. Cheers to a fabulous season and another go at the National Championship next year! Mizzzouuuuurraaahh!!!

Here's a pic of yours truly with Paratrooper and baby sis at Nomadik's Open Mic last month. Thanks and credit to Pops for the photo.

I'll be posting on my Christmas and New Years reflections this week.

Are You Ready for Some Football?!

2007-12-28T13:07:00.000-05:00

The following is a letter from my frat, and good friend, of many years, who also happens to be an NY native and NY Giants fan. 1969, this is for you. I'm a former athlete and the daughter of a former professional athlete. He didn't teach me many things. But, sportsmanship was certainly one. I wish the NY Giants the best of luck, tomorrow. I will, however, be rooting for my Patriots to finish off an unblemished season in none other than Patriots fashion.

Dear Mr. Kraft, Coach Belichick, and New England Patriot Players:

First let me congratulate your team on it’s historic season. You have won 15 games in impressive fashion, and are on the cusp of history. Tom Brady and your team have demonstrated, week to week, a team winning approach that is almost unrivaled in sports.

As you stand on the edge of an undefeated regular season and playoff run, one thing remains. The New York Football Giants. While we have clinched the #5 seed in the NFC playoffs, and as such really have nothing to play for, we only ask one thing. Please do not kill us. We might have to play our QB, who as you know has not played to the caliber of the other QB with whom he shares a surname. All we want for Christmas is one playoff win, so that our QB might build confidence for the future. So while we know we will not win the game, please do not utterly decimate us.

Remember, the holiday season is about generosity, and more importantly, mercy.

Signed,

The NY Giant Nation

Happy Holidays

2007-12-27T12:59:00.001-05:00

So, Friday, I scored my cortisone shot and my back already feels 100 times better! I was a little out of it after the procedure. And, my sister left me in her car afterwards for a little longer than she thought while running an errand. I apparently made some phone calls I don't quite remember, due to being high on anesthesia and pain killers. Fun times.

She brought me home to rest and wait for my mom and her man to arrive. Their flight was delayed two hours. When they finally came, I hugged my mom so tight as soon as she walked through the door. I missed her so much. I haven't seen her in a year. There wasn't much to carry in the house, since JFK had lost their luggage. The connecting flight was delayed two hours and their stupid a$$es still couldn't get the bags on the damned plane!

I told my mom she should let me make her travel arrangements from now on. I avoid JFK and LaGuardia at all costs. They are straight up zoos. The people there are animals and they have entirely too much volume for the facilities available. They're crowded and dirty and the people are obnoxious. The employees are ignorant. Flying through there is just asking for trouble. So, I pay extra to fly through a different airport.

Anyway, we had take-out and chilled. My mom and sis slept with me in the bed, while mom's man slept on the air mattress in the living room. Fun times. They headed out to hang with my other sis for a couple days and came back on Christmas Eve, at which time Logan Airport called, informing them they had the luggage. Just in time for Christmas. After picking up the bags (thank God I only live 5 mins from the airport), we did our own mini gift exchange and happy hour before heading up the street to my aunt's house for the big gathering. The whole family was there, minus one uncle and his wife and kids. It was a blast. The Yankee Swap was comedy. A big old poker game came to be among a few of the grandkids and my Abuela's 80 year-old sister. And, Marriah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas" came on. The entire room of poker players broke out in song! LOL Pops even came through with his mom and sisters and one of my girlfriends. I was really glad they came. They fit right in and we had a lot of fun. My fam loved them so much, my Mom and my aunt started making all kinds of "suggestions" after they left. *SMH* I'm just glad they spared him. LOL Fewls, I tell you!

Mom and her man stayed at my place on Christmas Eve (we just rolled down the hill after the close of the evening). They left in the AM to visit with his family. I had brunch with my aunt and Abuela and cousins. I chilled the rest of the day after cleaning up.

I'll be having people over on New Years' Eve. Looking forward to that.

I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas this year and that you're looking forward to a Happy New Year's celebration!

Not Much To Tell

2007-12-20T11:08:00.000-05:00

It's f*cking snowing again! Third time in a week. Today looks like the blizzard of last Thursday!

So, Sis accompanied me to chaperoning last night. We had a good time. The kids put on a play. And, I gotta tell you, there are some really good actors among the group. I wasn't sure whether they'd be able to hold it together without laughing. But, they pulled it off. One of the young women, in particular, was especially good. She should consider exploring that as an option.

Sis also came with me to the open mic. Paratrooper met us there. But, before he got there, she and I were sitting at the bar. Now, for whatever reason, your girl is the geriatric foreign man magnet. I seem to attract older men of a foreign persuasion. Anyhow, this sixty-five year old man proceeded to talk my ear off, spitting the entire time, and told me how much he wanted to marry me. ERRRRRR? My sister, being the super wing chick that she is, grabbed the closest guy she could find and chatted him up for a minute and planned on how to get me away from him. Thank GAWD! Then, Paratrooper showed up and the guy was still sitting behind me. As I hugged him I told him he needed to pretend to be my man so this other guy would leave me alone. He obliged like a champ. The three of us had a great time.

My boy rocked it on the mic. He performed 3 pieces that everyone was diggin, including Sis and Paratrooper. I got to meet his mom and sis, too, as they're in town. Definitely an honor. And, nice to see where a good man comes from.

I got an email from Something New backing out of Christmas Day, which I already kinda gathered would happen. Turns out he will be going home because his mom "guilted him into coming home." No worries. I need to focus on doing what I gotta do.

I have every MJB album to-date. I gotta say, I'm usually the shoulder others lean on when they need it. I'm good at that. Being here for people is what makes me happy. But, my girl's music has definitely been the shoulder I lean on when I need it because I'm not good at the needy thing. I guess that's why music is my life blood. Keeps me up. Holds me down. Relaxes me. Jazzes me. And makes me say Amen. Music has always been the realest best friend.

Mad corny, I know. LOL But you love me anyway!

Juno, etc.

2007-12-19T14:15:00.000-05:00

So, I went and saw Juno last night. That ish had my sister and I cracking up! If you liked Little Miss Sunshine, you'll probably like this movie. It has Jennifer Garner, Jason Bateman, "Scoda" from L&O (or the M.E. from Crossing Jordan), the heteroquestionable dude from Superbad, the old press secretary chick from West Wing and "Dwight" from The Office. I thought it was great. Some people call it making light of an epidemic (teenage pregnancy). The thing is, what it makes light of is people's judgemental nature toward the situation and the people in it, not the issue itself. The humor was great. Before we got to the theater, we grabbed a bite to eat. Sis had a lot of questions about the stuff Mom dukes had relayed to her. So, I answered them to the best of my ability, reassuring her that I'm confident all will be well. She and I are so much alike it ain't even funny. I can count on her to not stress me with her own stress, ya know? Anyway...

I had no idea that one of my boys is actually a featured performer tonight at the open mic! YAY! I always look forward to these nights. But this is the icing on the cake. He actually emailed me something pretty cool today, which I'm sure he's like, "yo it ain't that serious", but the gesture is cool and I appreciate it, nonetheless.

I am going to be one tired heiffer tomorrow! After last night and tonight. At least the office holiday party is tomorrow for a few hours. I gotta pick up 2 Yankee Swap gifts (one for tomorrow and one for Christmas Eve). Not sure how I'm going to get that done, but maybe some time between here and volunteering, or between volunteering and the open mic (cuz I totally forgot about the swap at the party tomorrow). ay ay ay! I think I'ma call it quits tomorrow night and just get some food shopping done and go to bed.

Holla!

Staying Mobile

2007-12-18T12:42:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I'm going to pick up Mary J's new joint. A few of the songs on there have definitely been helping me stay positive, especially that Just Fine song. I'm also going to see Juno with my baby sis. Tomorrow, I'll be volunteering at PHH chaperoning their social night (drop-in night) for local teens, then heading to my girl Nomadik's open mic night at the Milky Way. Sis and Paratrooper will accompany me. Thursday, I just might head out with my soror, since she'll be done with her last final of the semester. That, or I'll rest. I have Friday off, since I have my cortisone injections that day. And, Mom-dukes flies in that afternoon!! I can't wait to see her. It's been a damn year!

I have Friday-Tuesday off and will spend most of it with the fam. Christmas Eve is always an awesome celebration. Everyone, from my Abuela and her siblings, to my Mom and her siblings and our families, all get together. Three generations. None of us grandkids are married or have rugrats yet and I'm the eldest, so I always get the earful. LOL I'm not doing anything Christmas Day and Something New isn't either. He's from NY and isn't going home. So, he suggested hanging out. We'll see, though. I kinda get the vibe that he might be backing off in light of the convo the other night. I'm cool with it because I totally understand. Gotta get used to that.

Anyway, it's a busy week/end.

Oh! And shhhhhh! On the freelance side, your girl got the nod for hooking up a certain chef, who's looking to revamp some things in light of some upcoming releases, with a new bio and press kit, etc. I do not care for some of the ghost writing that I do to pay the bills. But, this is one interview I'm definitely looking forward to! Two of my favorite things: black men and food. :-)

Weekend Wrap-Up

2007-12-17T11:26:00.000-05:00

Before I get into this post, I just have to get this off my chest: Men wearing skinny jeans is upsetting.

I had a random, sad voicemail this weekend from my biological father whom I've not seen in two and a half years. See, I talked to my mom about what was going on because I needed to walk through a variety of scenarios and sort of prepare myself with tentative plans of action. I wanted her input and I know she'd want to know what's going on. I'm not the "Woe-is-me" (or however you type that shIt) type person. I don't focus on the problem. I focus on the plan. My mom is good for that, too. So, we walked through a few things. She then proceeded to tell of my situation to my sisters, one of whom, J, is the voice of America. J went and took the info to my biological father. And now I'm irritated. The man probably feels guilty enough for being a sh*tty dad. He doesn't need to worry needlessly. If I'm ok with everything, and there's no definitive word yet, then why put everyone through drama? I haven't even had the biopsy yet. I'm waiting for the damn office to call me back.

Not many people I know in person, actually read this. And, of those, I don't think many do regularly. My blog is my venting/ranting tool and sounding board. And while I love the fact that you all come here to read this, (and I hope you'll agree/understand), I don't do it for you. I do it for me. I very much appreciate the support and prayers of my blog family and have come to grow fond of many of you, and do feel connected many ways. But, I write so that I don't have to talk about everything. Because, while I may be good at writing about feelings n sh*t, I'm not very good at talking about them. I hate touchy-feely crap. I've only told a few select people about this in person, because I don't want to cause hysteria. And, really, I don't feel like talking about it a whole lot. Who likes to talk about sad sh*t? And who wants to talk about sh*t that will make people feel sad for them? I loathe pity. I really do. I can deal with encouragement, prayers and support. Not pity.

I did tell Something New about the situation because my worst fear in the whole world is to be a burden on anyone. I'm the helper. The giver. It's what I do. I'm not good with taking help. And, in this situation, with the fact we've only known each other a week, the thing I'd hate most is for him to grow feelings and then entangle him in a bumpy road. Because, even in the best-case-scenario, the process to get there is not going to be fun. This isn't baggage; it's damage. And, we're so brand new, he shouldn't feel like he owes me anything. I wanted to give him the chance to opt out. Because I'd totally understand and wouldn't think he's a d*ck. This type of situation is a lot of pressure for someone you just met. Unfortunately, the worst-case scenario is a real possibility. And it would be totally selfish of me to hook him in unsuspectingly and then put him through that. And, with the possibilities between the best and worst, I have some decisions to make that could/would affect my situation, making it different from the one he was so attracted to. So, we will be friends for now.

That aside, I went to dinner with Vamps on Friday night. I actually got her to go to Texas Roadhouse. She's not the chain type person, and definitely not the Roadhouse type person. But, I needed a pick-me-up, and was in the mood for some BBQ and a regular-people type atmosphere. So, she picked me up and we went there. Lawd, their Texas Tea is the bomb! Saturday, I met up with B and my niece for lunch at the Cuban restaurant. We decided to go to the grocery first to pick up some things. They had just put out a fresh baked batch of Cuban bread, still hot. So, we picked up a bag and ate it while we inched our way through the crowded aisles. Then we hit up El Oriental and had some Cuban sandwiches, chicharrones, tostones and some arroz y gandules. Delicioso! Then we drove down to see her mom, whom I've not seen in forever, either. We hung out there for a while, catching up and playing with my neice. She is too cute! And she's at that age where she's picking up all the bad words now, too! We were in the grocery store and I forget what happened, but I said the JC phrase. Don't you know she went and said "Jesus" after that? MAN! B, was ready to whack me. I also taught A how do to "see food" and she caught on with the quickness. I was laughing my a$$ off in the store. C'mon! That's what aunties do!

I was dog-sitting Saturday, too. So, I went back to the house to get ready for Something New because he'd planned to come over for pizza and movies. We had our little talk and he took it like a champ. Man, he's adorable. He stayed pretty late until I was ready to go to sleep, and left just as it was beginning to snow. Yesterday, I was snowed in at the house and had to wait for the family to come home and get the snow blower going so I could get out of there. My back is sh*t, so I can't shovel anything. I felt bad that I couldn't help. I HATE THAT! Anyway, I got home, talked to Something New on the phone for a while and watched some episodes of The Office. That sh*t had me dying laughing!

Anyway, this is one hell of a long f*ckin post. I'll end here. Enjoy your weeks, people!

White-Out

2007-12-14T12:34:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday, it took me about two hours to get to work because two subway trains collided smack in the middle of rush hour. I got to Gov't Center, went downstairs to the platform only to be greeted by a T employee, saying there were no trains running through that station. We should walk to Park Street. So, I followed the exodus to Park Street. And, while it's not necessarily that far, it is a bit of a hike, especially in the cold. Upon arrival at Park Street, we were informed there were no trains running through that station, either. We should take one of the shuttles. The present shuttles were full. The next would be by in 20 mins, due to traffic. So, I walked my arse over to Downtown Crossing, got on the Orange Line to Ruggles. Took the bus from Ruggles to the main office building and then waited 10 mins for the shuttle down to my satellite office. I got to work at 10.

I got the call (yesterday's post) from the doc with the news, while in a meeting. Lovely.

Then, I found out that the city is shutting down at 2pm, due to a snowstorm. The Mayor declared a "Snow Emergency" which implements a parking ban. And, I live in the city-city, so I park on the street. Great! I leave work at 12:30 and it takes about that hour and change just to make it to the stop by my grocery so I can pick up some milk and other essentials. I walk over to CVS to drop off some prescriptions and then walk the 4 blocks to the crib, put away my stuff, and move my car to a side-street.

Apparently traffic was horrendous, taking people 8 hours for what is normally a 45 minute commute. Now, Bostonians do know how to drive in the snow. It's something we do every year. However, when you have an entire city shutting down, all at the same time (workers, commuters, city folk, schools, transportation), all 2 million people leaving or moving around in a very small geographic area replete with one-way streets, bad parking and construction -- it's bound to be madness.

Anyway, I called my trusty Speedy Wong's, the local take-out joint two blocks down my street, for an order. I needed to move around and keep my mind distracted, so I walked in the blizzard to pick up my food and bring it back. I think people thought I was insane as I greeted everyone with a smile, just enjoying the flakes as they fell. I stuffed myself on some shrimp fried rice, crab rangoon, chicken wings and diet coke. I took my meds and talked to my mom while decorating my Christmas Tree.

Then I called my girl, B, and talked to her for some time. My niece is growing to be quite the handful. While B was on the phone with me, the little bugger was getting into some trouble. B took a picture of where she found her lovely daughter:

It's not that clear, but she was playing in the laundry basket, in the laundry room, behind the washer and dryer. She rocks!

I talked to Special Dark, but all he did was belittle my concern and make me feel like a dumbass for not asking the right questions and saying my PC didn't give me enough info. Right, because I've been through this before to know exactly all the questions I'm supposed to ask? And, my PC must not know what he's talking about, even though he's been practicing longer than you've been alive. Right. I'm sorry, but I somehow doubt most patients go jumping for joy when their PC tells them they have abnormal formations that need to be checked out by an oncologist, and that the procedure requires surgery - when I've never been under the knife before for anything in my life. I could be wrong, but I think that's a pretty safe bet. And when that PC says, "We can't afford to wait on this, BZ. I need you to make it happen sooner than later," I think that means it needs immediate attention, which doesn't really appear to be a good thing. So, a simple, "How are you feeling about everything?" would have sufficed. Being the listener that he normally is, would have been great. But no, he had to interrupt me, talk over me, shut me down and pretty much act like a condescending ass, when all I did was calmly (and not even nervously or whimperingly) relay the information the doctor gave me. Yeah, I'm all set, thanks.

By morning, the snow had pretty much cleared up. The roads looked good and there's a fresh coat of pretty, white snow covering everything. I took this with my camera phone, on the bus, on my way to work. It's one of the side streets off of the main way in my neighborhood.

Tonight I'll hang out with my girl Vamps. Tomorrow is lunch with B, and maybe even a little shopping. I'll be dog-sitting for the night. Sunday is brunch with Something New. And, that's all she wrote!

Or Maybe Not...

2007-12-13T12:27:00.000-05:00

When it rains, it pours.

Apparently what was there has more than doubled in size and more have popped up, "irregular and complex". I can't even tell you the thoughts that are running around in my head right now. I mean, hey, it may be nothing, right? I have to meet with a Gyn Oncologist for an evaluation and biopsy. The funny thing is, he's the same surgeon that did my Abuela's hysterectomy when she had uterine cancer. At least I already know he's good.

I was just talking to my mom about how I was preparing myself to have kids in the next few years. I'm repairing my credit, saving money, working on settling down. And, even if I don't find someone smart enough to sweep me off my feet, my male BFF is willing to make it happen for me. Because I want to be pregnant by the time I'm 35. I want my kids to be grown by the time I retire. That's the plan.

Again, it may be nothing. And, I know adoption has always been an option I've been willing to consider.

I just hate the thought of something evil growing inside me. I know God wouldn't give it to me if I couldn't handle it. I know everything is as it should be. But FUCK!!!!!! Why this type of curve ball? Part of me wishes I got pregnant early. A lot of my girlfriends had kids not long after high school. Hell, they were all in college, with the exception of a couple. Maybe I should have just let it happen like that. Or maybe I shouldn't have called my mom that April Fool's Day in 1997 and convinced her I was pregnant, for 30 mins, before I told her it was a joke. Boy, she almost ripped my head off through the phone.

Suck it up, BZ. Walk it off. Just another rung in my ladder to climb. That's all. Right?

Fruitcake

2007-12-11T14:48:00.000-05:00

Double-Take
What happens when you're one of only two shapely women in the office and it so happens that both of your wardrobes are pretty much entirely supplied by L.ane B.ryant? That's right. You end up wearing the same thing on occasion. Today, we happen to be wearing the same exact top, in the same color, and the same exact slacks, in the same color. She's tall, with straight blonde hair. I'm short with dark, curly hair. Both of us proportioned well. But, of course, we had a department staff meeting today and we ended up seated across from one another. LOL The good thing is, I think we both look equally good in our own right.

Flashback
Remember college days in the dorms? Where the heating bill was included, so you could have it 80 degrees in your room on a snowy day? Curled up on your bed, with a blanket, watching movies on the college cable channel? The smell of popcorn filled the hallways. Your snuggle buddy would make his way over to your room and you'd hang out, "studying." If you were as lucky as me, your dorm had a dining hall inside it, so you didn't even have to venture outside to forage for food. Those were the days. I don't know why that came to mind. It just did.

Johnston Hall, where I lived for 3 years:

A Book
Check out Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell, if you haven't already. It's about the ability to "thin-slice", or make relatively quick, and often accurate, judgments based on a very limited amounts of information, i.e. gut reactions. It's about how we are programmed and the way that biases can seep into that programming. It makes you think about why you make the decisions you do. And what prompts you to react certain ways. He has some great examples.

I'm currently reading, Young Gifted and Black: Promoting High Achievement Among African-American Students. It's a series of 3 essays. I just started it. So, I'll let you know how it is. I swear, the people on the train must think I'm odd, with some of the titles they see me reading.

Work
I hate that my meds take away from my brain functionality. Honestly, I feel like mashed potatoes right now. I'm trying to get work done, but it's just not happening at the rate I'd like. My boss knows what I'm going through and is really sympathetic. But still. I feel guilty having taken this position and now not being in a position to give 110%. I can't help but think maybe the Exec Asst gig was better, since less people depended on me. I know that's silly. Like 1969 says, God wouldn't have brought me to it to fail. My girl Suave says, "The will of God will never take you where the grace of God will not protect you."

Anyway, enough pissing and moaning!

Holiday Cheer
I love Christmas movies. I am a holiday geek! I particularly love children's holiday specials. I always watched them as a kid. But, I also got really into them when I was with my ex and we had joint-custody of his son, who spent 3-4 nights a week at our house. We'd have living room picnics on weekend evenings, where we spread out a blanket on the floor and ate chinese food or something fun like that and watched the holiday specials. Yeah, I rock with kids. :-) Maybe I'll have a couple one day.

Welcome to Monday

2007-12-10T11:01:00.000-05:00

I spent most of the weekend in bed, sedated. Managed to bake some brownies. Hope they taste as good when I'm sober. We'll see.

I think the Steelers should make Smith issue a statement about his "guarantee" of a win yesterday. Glad to see they weren't much of a challenge for my boys who managed to hand them a giant bucket of crow. They appear to have some sportsmanship issues, too. I hate to see grown men get pissy when things aren't going their way. And NFL players make entirely too much money to display such childishness. Suck it up, b*tches. But, what can one really expect from a team whose fan base most closely resembles that of a NASCAR audience?

I wish a man wouldn't tell a woman he liked her, unless he wanted her to like him back. I wish a man wouldn't tell a woman that he wanted to start something with her, and then take it back because he's not ready...after feelings have already been set in motion. Men: keep your mouth shut until you figure out what it is you really want, and save us all the drama.

Am I wrong for feeling sad that the black fellow at my doc appointment didn't appear half as sincere as the Middle Eastern attending? The attending looked at me like he felt for me and wanted me to get better. The fellow just took down my info with a "yeah, uh huh, ok" demeanor. And I was all happy to see a brown face greet me in the office, too. *sigh*

I left my cell phone at home by accident.

I feel like going home to get back in bed. My brain feels as useless as my body right now.

You know a man is cool as hell when he can see you sick, in bed, barely walking, having just cried your eyes out, hair a holy mess, and still hug you and hold you and tell you how beautiful you are. God is always good for hooking me up with a beautiful distraction right when I need it. Thanks, Paratrooper.

My Life is a TV Show; I Need a Prayer

2007-12-07T14:27:00.000-05:00

Went to the doc, yesterday. I need to vent. And I need a prayer. I know y'all are good for that, so I know I'm blessed.

But on to the venting.

How sad is it when you're single and 31, have to have an unpleasant medical procedure, and your mother--who lives in Florida--is your emergency contact? Oh yeah, and you have to have someone come with you so they can drive you home. ...And...dun dun...you live alone. Oh, and you're tired of bothering people either to ask for help or to apologize for not being able to help or participate in XYZ because you keep ending up laid-up. And, you know there are a couple of people who would help, but they have either already done more than their share of helping, or their own situation is tough enough that you don't feel right asking in the first place. Or, you're just not that close. I feel like Miranda from Sex & The City. Who knew? I wish it was just eye dialation, rather than a 12" needle impaling my spinal sac. But, it's all for the good. Really, I can take a cab, though. I hate help!!!

*sigh*

Oh yeah, so that ultrasound I had last year, came back to haunt me. Now I have to have yet another. Greeaaaaat.

"Look how much it's grown, Bob! Tell her what she's won!"

*sigh*

Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. Everything will be fine.

Hey, at least I have some really great drugs for the weekend!

Your prayers and well wishes are sooooooooooooo appreciated! Honestly, that's the best Christmas gift I could have right now.

Here and There

2007-12-06T11:19:00.000-05:00

Well folks, it was one hell of a ride. Missouri lost on Saturday, and lost bad. We had a good run this season...better than any I can recall in my 13 years of Missouri fanhood. But, Oklahoma was the only team that topped us in our regular season (even though we were leading all the way into the 4th quarter of that game). And, they topped us again in the Big XII Championship. I applaud OK for their accomplishments and their ability to hand us our asses up and down the field. They outplayed us by far. They deserved the W. But, it was the distance we've come this season that has me more proud than ever to be a Tiger. To rise to the top of what is often the best NCAA football conference in the country, says a lot. Special Dark and my girl, Nat, accompanied me to Game On! for the festivities. I have to say, I was the only one (aside from one of the waitresses, a native of St. Louis) sporting a Mizzou Tigers t-shirt. Of course, we were seated in front of some OSU fans rooting both for Pitt and against Mizzou. Personally, I'm of the opinion that it's not necessary, nor sportsmanlike for that matter, to root against any team other than your opponent. But, that's just my standard of sportsmanship. I don't sh*t talk or gloat (not even on the Yankees). I don't hate. I just root for my team.

Here's to the bowl game and here's to next year. I'll keep my MU car decal proudly displayed on my back windshield and my Tiger t-shirts on rotation.

In other news, SD spent six days and 5 nights with yours truly. The fact that I didn't want to choke him or "have my space back" by the time he left, speaks volumes to how well we get along. Normally, I want to remove by force people who stay that long. Quite the contrary this time. I was sad to see him go. The place feels a little empty without him. I'm glad to see that he was impressed with at least two of the northeastern residency programs, such that he will likely put them toward the top of his preference list for matching. It would be nice to have him close. We did very brief shopping/sight-seeing, as it was colder than all get-out this weekend. We had dinner with one of his friends that lives up here. We saw Michael Clayton. It wasn't on my to-see list. But, I have to say, it was a good movie. I enjoyed it.

My back was jacked up before he came and now I feel like I'm not far from a wheelchair. Jokes aside, I have a doc appointment this afternoon. Thinking of going with the steroid shots. I don't necessarily enjoy the idea of a giant epidural needle impaling my spine. But, if it's going to get me over whatever the hell is keeping me cripple, I'm going to do it.

I will say that I've gone through hella sh*t in life and have never once felt sorry for myself or did the little pity party thing. But lately, as bad as I feel physically, the thought of being incapable of a normal physical life, does have me kinda down. I worry that I won't be able to have a normal pregnancy. I worry that, if I deserve the best in a man, the type of man I want deserves the best in a woman. And, if I'm disabled, that's not what I can offer. Who wants a woman that walks like she's 85? Who can't scoot over in bed? Who can't bend to pick things up off the floor? I love the gym and how I feel after a hard workout. I enjoy working out with a partner. I can't do that with a f'd up back. I can't lift up my niece. I can barely get in and out of a car. Every time I feel like I'm close to getting back at 100%, something happens. Reminds me of being on line. LOL Being athletic has always been a part of who I am. Lately, I feel useless. Hell, I needed SD to help mop my kitchen floor while he was here. It hurt me inside to ask him. I'm not a needy person. I'm just really scared that this is going to change that. I don't like asking for sh*t. And, I don't like people treating me like I can't do something myself. This is going to be a struggle. I know I gotta get over it. And believe me, I'm usually the first one to say, "suck it up," or, "walk it off." But, this is going to take me some time to figure out how.

Our Time to Shine

2007-11-30T13:00:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow night, my Missouri Tigers fight for the chance at a national championship game. All I gotta say is, all y'all f*ckers better be rooting for my team come 8pm EST tomorrow! The game is on ABC, thank you very much. I'll be the only brawd in the joint with a black and gold Mizzou t-shirt on, I'm sure. That never stopped me from being a Sox or Pats fan either while living in various other parts of the country.

Miizzoouuurraaaahhhh!!!

Our quarterback, Chase Daniel, is up for the Heisman, baby!

MU is really the sh*t. I swear, if they paid me enough, I'd be back there in a heartbeat. It has to be one of the most beautiful college campuses in the country.

Get Over It, Really

2007-11-28T15:34:00.000-05:00

If I hear one more jackoff piss and moan about how the Patriots are "running up the score," I'm going to scream! What the f*ck do you think Tom Brady's job description says? I'm sure his contract, worth millions, doesn't say, "Throw turnovers. Lay down and get sacked. Make us lose." I'm pretty sure it says something to the effect of, "Earn the f*ckin millions we're paying you." The object of a game is to WIN. That's why they call it competition. It's not the Patriots' fault if there isn't any around. They're going to play their hearts out until the clock runs out. That's what we call a work ethic, people. That's what we call hustle. God forbid they do their jobs to the best of their ability, right? It ain't f*ckin T-Ball, people. So get over it!

Maybe, if the other teams took the time they spent doing endorsement commercials and actually used it for practice, they might be better! Camera whores.

I played field hockey in high school for the best team in the state of MA, hands down. To this day, anyone familiar with field hockey in pretty much all of New England, knows about Walpole High School. Every year, Walpole qualifies for the state tournament, and has won 10 State Championships since 1984. Every year, Walpole's players qualify for Bay State Games. Walpole has produced Olympic players for generations. Almost every year, one or two players get selected for the Futures program. (Yours truly was one such player.) Our coach, Penny Calf, didn't win the coaches award year after year by raising a losing team, or a team that didn't play its heart out every second the clock ticked. The only way to get better is to give it all you got, from start to finish, and learn from your mistakes. Ideally, you'd play people better than you so you up your game. When you don't have that luxury, you do the best with what you've got. That's the only way you become great. Scoring high isn't about "embarassing" another team or "running up the score." It's about giving 100%, 100% of the time. That's life. I don't half-ass anything and I don't like people who half-ass anything, either. I sure as hell don't want them on my team. And, I'll damn sure take advantage if they're on the opposing team. Competition is about survival of the fittest. Who comes out on top in the end. It takes talent and skill and great coaching. That's life. Don't like it? Too bad.

Would you want someone to coddle you in a game because they know you're not as good as he/she is? No. You give it your best and expect the other person to do the same. If they beat you by a mile, so what? You did your best. And playing against someone who's better than you, giving it his/her all, is an opportunity to LEARN! That's how you get better. If someone doesn't take you seriously and chooses to half-ass play you, and they still win, then you should be embarassed.

Aint this a ...

2007-11-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

Yes, I'm one of those people. I started putting up Christmas decorations last night. Forgive me. I was high on the pain killers I thought would make me sleepy with my recent bout of back issues. Rather, they wired me for sound and put me to work at 11pm. I get productive when intoxicated. I cleaned my living room, S.wiffered, dusted and glass-plus'd it. Did the dishes. And then what else was there to do but put up some Christmas decorations?! I did my mantle with the greenery along with the gold and burgundy ribbon and my black Santa Claus, decked out in his magestic burgundy, gold and white. The Nutcracker stocking hangers. The lights were a breeze because they were already up from last year. LMAO! (I never had the energy to take the ladder back out to take them down.)

I organized a bunch of crap that was sitting on my dining room table. Cleaned out my hall closet. Organized my bedroom closet and filled a whole trash bag to donate. I tossed all the old ish in the fridge. Now I just have to do the floors in the bathroom, kitchen and bedroom, and vacuum the area rugs. I'll pay you if you want to do that for me. I hate floors. I really do. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom or doing dishes or any of that. But, for some reason, I just can't stand cleaning floors and taking out the trash.

I need another book case. The one I have is full and I have more books to put away. I also need a bar cabinet, for all of my glasses. I have wine glasses, martini glasses, beer glasses, highballs and juice glasses. And a bunch of little serving dishes for tapas. All of which won't fit in my kitchen cabinets! Hell, my cookware doesn't even fit in the few cabinets I have. Thank God for islands.

How the hell did I acquire so much sh*t?

Funny of the day: "You have five kids by four baby mamas and you're hollering at me, why?" BZ loves the kids. But not AIDS. Thanks, Management

2007-11-26T14:26:00.000-05:00

That's right, people. Old Mizzou is number one in college football! I have always been a proud Tiger and Mizzou alum. I catch Missouri games whenever I can (although, sadly, not often--as Boston is not Big XII friendly). But this Saturday, Special Dark and I will be watching Mizzou play Oklahoma for the Big XII Championship (one of the toughest conferences in the country), a chance at the big dance. A day that has been long in coming.

Back in undergrad, our team was horrible. But, as true as a only a Red Sox fan can be, I stuck by my team when they were down. I've proudly sported my black and gold t-shirts and Mizzou hoodies as the years have passed.

And now, with an 11-1 record, and a chance for the big dance on the horizon, I will be rooting for my alma mater. Mizzou is famous for many reasons, among them being the first and best journalism school in the country, the first land grant college west of the Mississippi, the founders of the Homecoming tradition, and alma mater to such famed folks as Sam Walton (founder of WalMart and Sam's Club), Sheryl Crow and Brad Pitt.

Wikipedia did a nice little write up about it.

And yes, I said Special Dark. He's coming up on Friday to do some medical residency interviews at a few reputable hospitals in the area. Yes, the bench is still clear and we are not an item. But, with as close as we've become as friends, of course we'll be hanging together while he's up here. I'll be playing tour guide, trying to familiarize him with the city and, hopefully, convince him that this is a great place where he'd want to spend his next four years of indentured servitude, aka "residency".

Giving Thanks

2007-11-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

As we all sit around the table tomorrow and share the things for which we are most grateful, I will be including:

My Salvation
Even though I don't act like it, sometimes. None of these gifts would exist without it.

My Family & Friends
For teaching me how to laugh and love and eat and drink and fight and make up. For teaching and encouraging and enabling independence. For being an inconquerable foundation of support. For making me who I am. For telling it like it is. For the foreign and domestic, for teaching me to be the social chameleon that I am. For making me own my own happiness. For the dreamers and the reality checks. For the road dawgs and the party-goers. For the good brothas that surround me, protect me, look out for me, and remind me that there are still some on this earth, however scant they may be. For laughing so hard, my tummy and cheeks hurt. For those with whom I can communicate via a simple glance or a roll of the eyes. For the runway commentators. For the bloggers. For leading by example. For my dining divas. For the ones that I can call on an hour's notice for dinner or drinks or beach trips or road trips. For my wing chicks and the ones who remind me to never settle! I love you.

My Job
To have a hands-on impact in the daily lives of children. To aid them in their academic and professional advancement. For the learning that comes from teaching. For an employer that believes in growing their own. For a boss that shares a similar philosophy on the approach to success.

For The Artist
For telling me what I needed to hear, exactly when I needed to hear it, yesterday. He said something beautiful to me. It's been a little hard, lately, to think such things of myself. I did just clear the bench of a bunch of cats clearly not offering what someone (like the person he describes below) deserves. So, I jokingly called him delusional. Because, were this all really true, I'd probably be in a different place right now. I try to remind myself that everything is as it should be. Easier said than done.

His email:

"LOL. A bit delusional?
Wow.
Well what would you call a person that constantly is surrounded by other good people. Not because she has done something outside of being real to herself and others. Yeah, I guess I do have a flair for the dramatic at times. It's the poet in me that likes to speak to the poet in you. But eh hem....since we can also flip the switch and shoot from the hip, you do know that you possess 90% of what all men want and twice that much in which they need.

For example, you are intelligent (which you already know)
You know you aren't ugly
You have a gift for words.
You are compassionate.
You don't judge others based off social status.
You may not have what you want, but you know how to get all that you need.
You don't play games or BS people.
You have a wonderful relationship with others that care about you.
You can dress.
You can cook.
You know how to enjoy yourself.
You carry yourself as a professional without losing your femininity and assertive demeanor.
You can attract who you want and are selective with who you spend time with.

Simply put, you are beautiful. Inside and out. (I am more partial to the outside so your brains are a wonderful perk :P ) I thought back to last year when we were trying to figure out our New Years plans. It made me smile and I think back to wishing my financial affairs were in order then. Then I thought about our speed rounds and how I was trying to find a fast way to figure you out.

In the tapestry of my daily thought, I find a strand of you sewn in. It's part of what makes my life beautiful. Now you can think that I am BSing you, but the day that I met you at that crowded mall goes down into the history books. Why?

It might have been the aligning of the planets, or maybe the weather, combined with our drive the music and conversation and your smile. But I rarely have days that perfect from start to finish and that is worth remembering and celebrating.

So I will always give thanks to you for that and will always want to see your smiling face. It brings me peace.

So there.
You are all that, tell any doubters that I said so. Including Yo Self."

Woes on a Train

2007-11-20T13:45:00.000-05:00

Being an admitted germaphobe and working in the healthcare industry, a place where hygiene and cleanliness are of paramount importance, I've resigned myself to the belief that people, in general, are f*cking disgusting. This belief is solidified, daily, on the train, by gross encounters of the nauseating kind.

Yesterday morning, I was on the train sitting behind a man about my age, seated next to his considerably younger companion. We'll call him Bob. Bob was carrying a D.unkin' D.onuts bag in his hand and chatting up Teenager Tiffany. Bob proceeded to open the bag and eat his bagel, smothered in cream cheese, on the train...during rush hour, no less.

Really? You're going to eat a bagel, with your bare hands (that have held the poles literally hundreds of thousands of other people have touched within the last twenty-four hours) in a giant incubator of disease, filled with about one hundred other people possessing absolutely no semblance of personal responsibility for public health? A hundred other people standing around you, breathing and coughing on you? You're going to eat your sandwich in the open? Really?

Bob not only proceeded to eat his sandwich in the open, he took such large bites that he was unable to close his buck-toothed mouth. He chewed with his mouth open, and I could hear it. Now, I may be the only one who is so disturbed by such action that she's prompted to punch someone in the throat for this infraction on civilization. But, I wanted to hurt him..and hurt him bad. Not only did he chew with his mouth open, he talked to his neighbor with his mouth full. I wanted to vomit.

Really Bob? You think Teenager Tiffany is going to be impressed by a balding 30-something wolfing down his bagel on a crowded cube of disease during rush hour, talking to her with his mouth full? Really?

As if that were not enough, once finished, Bob looked at his hand and proceeded to......

yes people...

lick his fingers.

Not only did I want to punch him in the throat, I wanted to fix his teeth, manually, with my boot. Bob, I hope you die of a staph infection starting in the mouth.

This is why I don't like people.

Back from Hiatus

2007-11-19T13:46:00.000-05:00

Well, I cleaned house. I'm now down to ground zero with the man scene. No roster. No stables. No bench. Nada. It's been fun. But, I'm tired. Tired of trying and tired of BS. Tired of trying to keep track. I had a conversation with a guy who really stepped up in a variety of ways. A good dude. But, there were several factors that just made us incompatible. He's a great guy. We're just not for each other. That was the most difficult of conversations I had to have. Other than that, emails and phone numbers have been deleted. Dating profiles have been deleted and memberships canceled. I feel rather liberated, actually. No one to impress, cater to or make time for. Just me, myself and I.

One was a "special" friend if you will. And, the outlook of celibacy doesn't necessarily appeal to me. But, I think I'll be ok. I just pray I don't end up punching someone in the throat out of frustration. Seriously. I don't think anyone can truly fathom the magnitude of my libido w/o being personally responsible for satiating it. I know if God gave it to me, it has to be a blessing. But, it often feels like a curse, particularly when men are intimidated by it. I've been told it can be immasculating. Nothing I can do about it.

I'm now down 27 lbs from June. New clothes feel great. I got rid of the old ones, except for the stuff I can shrink in the dryer and the items I had taken in at the tailor. I've slacked on the gym a little the past two weeks. Time to get back on it with that, especially with the holidays coming up.

In other news, my family just celebrated 50 years in the United States this past Saturday. Some of us came in '57. Some of us came in '59. We were all here by '63. But, we honored the pioneers of the family this go-round. My mom's aunt won a bunch of money at Mohegan not too long ago. So, she decided to get everyone together for a happy occasion (rather than all the funerals we've been attending lately). I have to say, we are one good looking family. I'll post some photos when my sister emails them to me.

Hope everyone is doing well! I look forward to catching up with what y'all are doing!

Welcome to Wednesday

2007-10-10T10:26:00.000-04:00

I was on the treadmill this morning, thinking of all sorts of funny sh*t to talk about today. And now, I got nothin'.

Well, I could go on about how I seem to get caught on the f*cking Tuberculosis train every day, either in the morning or afternoon, with some ignorant mofo caughing all over the place-the entire ride, possessing absolutely no sense of personal responsibility for public health. And for God's sake, stop caughing into your hand and then holding the hand rail for balance!! Does nobody know how to caugh into the inside of their elbow? Hellloooo?!?!?! Some people have no sense.

Do you think Matt and Meredith know that their job is bullsh*t? I mean, don't get me wrong. They do report on some interesting stuff here and there. But, let's face it. It isn't exactly quality journalism, all of the time. For instance, do you think they have any trouble sitting with a straight face while interviewing Us Weekly editors about Lindsey Lohan's third release from rehab? Or when they have to cover Brittany Spears' custody battle? Or when they have to talk to some skanky college brawd dressed like a hooker on an airplane? All the while, real stories like this, about Meagan Williams, go unmentioned and uncovered, simply because their target demographic doesn't give two sh*ts about a black girl raped and tortured like an animal for an entire week. I hate television.

I'm proud to say that my Mizzou Tigers are now 5-0 and ranked #11 in the AP Poll. This will make for a great Homecoming next week! I can't wait! I've been working on my Zeta scrapbook. Yes, I'm a crafty b*tch, thank you very much. I had so many photos and fliers, etc. in a big old box. So much history from back in the, ahem, early 90's. It was time to organize it all and make it pretty. I'll take it with me for the meet & greet for the alumni/undergrad chapter gathering. *grin*

5.0 and I have been in relatively regular communication the last week. I'm happy about that. Glad he's doing ok. He's so funny. He was all shy about sharing a photo of himself that was selected for this military calendar that's being sold as a fundraiser for families of wounded and disabled soldiers. Mind you, I've never seen him except fully clothed. And, he's very shy. But, in the picture, he's in this room with his military plaques, wrapped in nothing but a towel that starts just below the beginning of that V. He even has a nipple ring!! WHEW!!!! This dude has been holding out on me for five years! LOL Y'all, when I opened that .jpg attachment, I almost fell out my chair! He was concerned about it turning me off or putting me off. What?!? Quite the opposite. LOL Let's just say that was some serious motivation for my workout at the gym that day! Here is a .pdf publication with an article about his unit (Red Sox) on page 7. That's what he does. *sigh* I'll be glad when he gets home, even though that's a long time from now.

The Haps

2007-10-03T16:02:00.000-04:00

Had a wake last night and a funeral mass this morning for an uncle of mine. Fortunately, my family handles these things very well. I suppose that's why I do so well with it, too. I don't know if it's an odd picture having a group of people smiling, hugging and laughing at memorable stories of the departed in the funeral home. But, that's how we do. My uncle was a Navy veteran and a retired police officer. But, he requested neither honor guard be notified. However, he will be buried at the military cemetery, right near my grandfather, on Cape Cod. He wasn't a man of many words. But, of the words he did utter, they were funny as hell.

My back is not healing the way I wish it would, nor as quickly as it has in the past. Of course, the last episode was the worst I've ever experienced. So, I guess I just have to give it time. I hate feeling disabled. I hate the label and I hate not being able to do all the sh*t I'm used to doing. A lesson in taking things for granted, that's for sure.

I just booked my air travel for my annual Homecoming trip to Mizzou. I'm flying directly into Columbia, this year. The sum of tickets to KC and the car rental outweighs that of a ticket to Columbia this time around. This way, I don't have to worry about driving. :-) I'm looking forward to hanging with my Sorors out there. I can't believe how many are married with kids now. JEEZ!

TGIF

2007-09-28T11:19:00.001-04:00

So, the video is kinda corny. But, I love the song.

"Hideaway" by Tessane (can be found on Reggae Gold 2007)

Enjoy your weekend, folks!

Hiring Above The Resume

2007-09-25T15:54:00.000-04:00

I had to attend a Latino career expo / networking event on behalf of the hospital a little bit ago, in an effort to identify potential connections / partnerships for my work with Latino kids. At the networking portion, one of the governor's top execs was the keynote speaker. She talked about how she started out as an admin and that she is where she is today because she was "hired above the resume". In effect, someone saw her potential and gave her the chance to become the best she could be. I had to attend another event sponsored by a minority leadership organization here in town. This time, a former state senator spoke. Again, he stressed hiring someone based on who you know they can become.

Despite the fact that these events required me to stand a little longer than my back appreciated, I took a lot away from them. It also hit me deeply because that's exactly what my new bosses did for me. And, I am tremendously grateful for that.

I would not be in this position had I not followed the path that led me here. Had I not worked in the physical location I was in previously, I would not have encountered the folks in the hiring department. Had I not encountered them, they would not be familiar with my personal passions nor my volunteer experience with kids. If they were not familiar with these things, they'd not have thought to directly invite me to apply for the position. Had they not directly invited me, I'd not have applied because I wasn't searching for a new gig. Had I not moved to VA, I'd still be in Finance. I wouldn't have had the perfect timing to take the Ops position I have been in the last year and change, which put me in physical proximity to the people hiring for the position I'm in now.

God works.

Today I had a student come visit and talk about her jobs here at the hospital. I say "jobs" because her hours are split between two departments. She's a Junior in high school. She's in all honors courses. And, she will be playing softball in the Spring. She's conflicted because, while she's ok academically now--reviewing material from last year--she knows she's in store for a more rigorous homework load in the near future. She's looking ahead. She forsees having to cut back her hours. By doing so, she feels she'll be unfair to both departments. She thinks she should work for only one. And, she just needed someone to talk to about it and get some advice. So, she came to me. I feel honored that she was comfortable sitting in my office, crying, because she felt that she'd be letting one of her supervisors down, because they both really need her.

I told her she had to remove "their needs" from the equation. This experience is supposed to be an educational employment opportunity where she can learn and identify the steps necessary for a successful path in a healthcare career. It isn't about what her department needs. If she spends all her time catering to the "needs" of her employers because they're nice, she'll be stuck doing something less rewarding for far too long. The work environment is important of course. And, it's important to not burn bridges. But, ultimately, she needs to do what's best for her. She can't gamble her success on the needs of others. I asked her to think about which of her positions was most rewarding to her. What work did she enjoy doing the most and which work did she feel she was learning from the most. When she thought about it, the answer became clear to her. I told her she needed to have a conversation with that supervisor to find out whether they'd have enough work for her to take on a couple of extra hours (half of the hours she was giving to the other department). If they indeed could, then we'd identify the next steps. I did tell her she'd have to discuss the situation with the supervisor she'd be leaving. She is scared and didn't really care for that piece of information. But, I told her it's all a part of growing professionally because she will be faced with these decisions regularly in the not-too-distant future. And the factors weighing in on those decisions will be far heavier. Better to get this experience out of the way now. I reassured her that I'm in her corner. And, after she has the conversations she needs to have, I'd be more than happy to talk to whomever she wanted me to talk to.

I asked her where she wanted to go to college (she's a Junior). She said she hadn't thought much about it and that it's too hard to get a hold of her guidance counselor to even make an appointment to start talking about it. *sigh* I told her: after we get her work situation squared away, she should think about the criteria most important to her when she thinks about what she wants her college experience to entail. Then, she can come meet with me and we can talk about a timeline / plan for the selection process because, by Spring, she should have a schedule for a tour of schools she wants to see over the summer.

My job is awesome.